I'm Unemployed Again!

Another day and another meeting with HR about how I am getting let go. My three weeks on wondering when I was going to let go after hearing a rumor from a coworker finally ended today.

I really do not know how to feel about it. On the one hand, this sets me up perfectly for moving to Malaysia, as I will be able to draw unemployment pay. On the other hand, it hurts my pride and confidence to know that I was not able to make it through a year at yet another company.

I have to admit that in hindsight, it was a mistake to join this agency. I never really gave myself a chance to succeed, as I hated it from day one since it lacked everything that I loved about startups. The people were there for a paycheck, the work was uninspiring and coupled with the fact that I was on a team that I really did not have an interest in, made it all the more of a clusterfuck. I disdained the agency all the more as it kept referring to itself as a startup and was in the business of building products, two things that they were obviously not. Everything just felt so damn fake all the time.

My work was suffering as I was not used to working in such detail with spreadsheets. Then I was randomly put on a performance improvement plan by the COO, even when my own manager told me he thought the whole thing was BS. After that episode, things really went downhill as I felt betrayed by the company and unable to trust any upper management.

I started trying to be as fake as the company, but I guess I was not very good at it since my superiors cited a "lack of passion" as a reason for me being let go. Little did they know  my "lack of passion" went as far as telling my fellow peons how much of a shit show I thought the whole place was on a daily basis. The best part is that my coworkers agreed with me on most of it.

As time progressed at the agency, I felt more and more like I had been lied to during my interview. The COO promised me great training and instead I just got a bunch of menial tasks as the people who knew what they were doing were too busy to teach. Worst of all, many of my most prized skills such as curiosity, creativity and copywriting were regressing. I did learn a ton more about excel, so I guess that is the one thing I was able to get out my stint there. I was told that the culture was great, but all I saw in my department was a lot of backstabbing and bad mouthing. Great culture to the exec team, was apparently just having a bunch of people who drank a lot and kegs in the office. What a let down.

After all this bitching, I guess the question that I have to answer is - What's next? This is of course, if I do not move to Malaysia and start that instant noodle ecommerce company. If not that, then is it startups again, which I miss dearly, or do I try to work at a big company? Do I retrain to become a developer?

I feel a bit lost, but I'm excited for the possibilities ... and unemployment insurance.

Wish me luck,
muffinman

So I had a girlfriend...

...her name was Roshelle and things fell apart quite terribly about three weeks ago in a hail of fuck you and I hate you. At this point in time, she never wants to see or speak to me again. That's the end of the story.

Let's rewind back the story 9 months to the first time I met Roshelle, in a Mexican restaurant where unbeknownst to me, Shelly, a mutual friend had conspired for us to meet each other. At the restaurant, we sat on opposite sides of the table and didn't speak at all. Only after dinner, when we went to a bar did I started talking to Roshelle and at that point I was too drunk to care about what impression I was making. When the topic of vibrators came up, and Roshelle brought up that she had one, I spent the night out trying to convince her to tell everyone whether she used it or not. Apparently, this was not very becoming behavior and after I left, Shelly profusely apologized to Roshelle about introducing me.

The next day, Shelly informed me about how embarrassing I had been, which made it a bit awkward because I had to see Roshelle again that night for Shelly's birthday party. As I walked up the stairs to the bar, I wondered if Roshelle would give me the cold shoulder. It threw me off guard, when Roshelle greeted me incredibly warmly, it actually felt like she was happy to see me. Perhaps it was the dress or makeup, but this time around, Roshelle really caught my eye. I ended up spending the whole night talking to Roshelle because I didn't know anybody else at the party, and when it came time to leave, I awkwardly asked for her number.

Over the next couple of days, we started texting almost everyday. As we communicated, I started getting more interested in Roshelle. I guess that Roshelle is most probably interested in me as well, because no normal girl would text a guy so much unless she was somewhat interested, right? The week that we start texting, I invite Roshelle to one of my Friday dinners that I do with friends every week. Something got lost in translation and she thought it was a date, so she took the time to dress nicely and put on makeup. I, on the other hand, treated it like just another Friday dinner and showed up 30 minutes late in my hoodie and jeans straight from work. Needless to say, Roshelle was not impressed, but for some reason, she still continued texting me and my interest in her continued to grow.

Things reached a tipping point on my birthday, when I held on to Roshelle's hand and she didn't let go. We kissed and I fell asleep in her arms. In the morning, Roshelle woke up with big doubts about dating me, but she came back that night and decided to give me a chance. After couple of months of dates, one day in bed, I asked Roshelle if she wanted to be my girlfriend and she said "Yes!" One piece at a time, the relationship just fell into place.

The ease of it all would spell trouble for our relationship down the line. Roshelle felt like she didn't get the chase that she deserved, and as a result felt insecure about how special she was. On the other hand, I wasn't committed enough to correct that problem. More cracks in our relationship appeared as I realized that we had some very big value differences. There would be massive fights over such things as whether artists provide as much value as doctors to society and if mainlanders are ruining Hong Kong. These arguments would leave a bitter taste in my mouth and make me question if I could be with Roshelle. Some days, I would look at her as we cuddled and think "I can't be with you" because she embodied so many of the values of people that I despised.

However, I kept the relationship going because Roshelle was just so damn great on paper. She was going to med school, spoke Cantonese, sweet as can be, doting and smelled great (my own weird little thing)! What's not to love about all of that? Despite having all the boxes checked off for "ideal" girlfriend, I never felt that spark with Roshelle. In fact, the whole thing felt like settling, though settling for a very good deal. To make myself feel better, I started convincing myself that things would just work out if I stayed with Roshelle long enough. As if time would generate the chemistry that had been missing and one day, I would just wake up and be completely in love.

Of course, that's not how love works and as the frequency of fights with Roshelle increased, it became harder to convince myself to stay with her. Towards the end of the relationship, I could not have a phone call with Roshelle that did not end with her bursting into tears over some small comment. Talking to Roshelle felt like walking on egg shells, where one small word or comment could break dams that held her tears back. I became hesitant share my thoughts with her, and this just further confirmed to me that the relationship had a definite due date.

That date came after another fight about something stupid and this time, I was just too tired of it all to keep the relationship going. I ended it that night on the phone.

Immediately post break up, I felt great! There was now so much time to do everything! However, as the weeks pass and doing everything lost its excitement, I have actually thought more and more about how things used to be. Wondering a tiny bit, if this was all the right choice. This is the complete opposite of how Roshelle, has handled the break up, where she was distraught at first and now content with piling on as many activities as possible before the start of med school and forgetting about me.

Being single isn't bad, but I am at that point now where I remember why I wanted a girlfriend in the first place. Reflecting on all of this, I am not sure what to take away from this relationship. I certainly learned a lot about what to do in a relationship, so I'm sure I'll be a better boyfriend next time around. A part of me feels guilty for having hurt Roshelle so much and for not treating the relationship as seriously as she did. Another part of me can't be bothered to care about what happened, which scares me as well, as it makes me wonder if I have become so independent now that I cannot care for someone anymore.

Only time will tell how this relationship will change me, and whether there is girl out there who can get me to
really care again.

-muffinman

The proverbial son returns

From the moment I left work on Friday, it felt like the universe had set into motion a series of events that were aimed towards pushing me back to my family.

It started when I was interviewing high school seniors for college scholarships. Almost all the seniors spoke of the sacrifices that their parents made for them and wanting to repay that debt. Hearing story after story of how these seniors wanted to repay their parents, made me feel like a fraud as I had abandoned my own family for selfish reasons. I wondered how I could pass judgment on them for the scholarship, when I was the prime example of a failure of these filial values.

Out of the blue in the middle of the interviews, my phone vibrates from a call. As I sneak a glance at it, I am surprised to see it was my mom calling, this was the first call from her that I have received in 7 months. Not sure what to think, I silence the phone and casually slip it back into my pocket. Moments later, I feel my phone vibrate from a text. I slip the phone out of my pocket and quickly glance underneath the table to read the text. It's my mom again and she just told me that my grandfather, her father, just passed away. Once again, not sure what to think, I put my phone back in my pocket and continue on with the interviews.

When the interviews ended, I walk back home and fell asleep. I had to get up early the next day to conduct more interviews and was able to put aside any lingering thoughts I had about my grandfathers death. The truth was that I really didn't feel that much about his passing, since I was never very close to him. Some thoughts about calling my mom to comfort her pop into my ahead, but I quickly pushed those thoughts out of my head because I had to sleep.

After another round of sob story interviews on Saturday, I meet up with my friend Ellie for coffee. At this point in time, I had gotten over what had happened and decided that I would stick with my plan to not talk to my parents for a year. When I sat down with Ellie with our coffees, I told her about my grandfather passing away. In the middle of the conversation, Ellie starts crying and her tears drip into her cup of coffee. Shocked and slightly embarrassed to be seen making a girl cry in the middle of a cafe, I push some napkins to her, hoping that no one notices her sobbing. Annoyed, I ask her why she's crying, after all, it's not her grandfather that died! Ellie tells me that she is imagining my mother's pain of losing her father and having a son that doesn't care. Ellie begs me to call my mom, but I refuse. "This is none of your business, it's not your family," I tell her, "just leave it alone." Ellie responds "I can't be friends with someone like you." We part ways from the cafe, with me pissed off that Ellie dared to use our friendship to force me to call my mom.

Sunday morning, I wake up feeling groggy from a night out with friends. As go about my day, Ellie's words haunt me. I start feeling like a terrible person for reaching out to my mom. "Where did my compassion go," I wondered to myself. As I laid in bed with the clock approaching midnight, the guilt was just too much and I knew what I had to do. I grabbed my laptop and wrote an email to all my colleagues, telling them that my grandfather had passed away and I was going home to spend time with my mom. After sending the email, I laid in bed more awake than ever, this time not from guilt, but nervousness over how my parents would greet me. Conflicting scenes of my mom welcoming me with open arms and rejecting me at the door played out in my mind. 

I got very little sleep that night, next thing I know, I am sleep walking myself to the Caltrain. On the train ride down to San Jose, I get more and more nervous about how my mom will greet me. "She has a right to be angry with me," I thought to myself, "hell I'd be pissed at myself." The cab ride to my parent's house seemed to drag on, I could feel my heart beating as I got closer to my parents' house. When the cab turned the corner, I saw that both of my parents' cars were out and when I rang the doorbell, no one was home. Feeling a bit relieved, I walked to the Almaden Roasting Company to wait for my mom to come home. An hour or so of sitting around at the cafe, I figured it would be dumb to walk all the way back to my parents' house and have them not be there again. My willingness to surprise my mom was outweighed by laziness so I called my mom. The call went straight to voice message and I left a quick message that I had come back home and she should call me back as soon as possible.

When my phone rang with my mom on the caller id, I was once again nervous. "This is the moment of truth" I thought to myself as I picked up the phone. It turns out, I didn't have anything to worry about, because my mom was over joyed to have me home. She was so happy, that she started crying on the phone. I felt relieved and touched, even after what I had put her through, my mom didn't hold any grudges. She was just glad to have me back.

Walking into the house and seeing my mom face to face again was an overwhelming experience. For the first time, I could proudly tell my mom about my job and how much I was making. I felt so much more mature and respected now. However, those feelings of pride faded quickly and were replaced with guilt and shame, when my mom started telling me about how much she worried about me during the 7 months that I cut ties and how she cried every weekend I was gone. I felt so terrible for putting my mother through such an ordeal, that I cried for the first time in a decade. My mom and I talked and cried till my dad came home and though he didn't explicitly say it, I could tell he was happy to see me back too. After such an outpouring, I can't believe I ever doubted my parents' love for me. I can't believe I thought they wouldn't take me back.

Writing this blog post nearly a year later on mother's day got me asking if it was necessary to so drastically cut off relations with my parents. Was all that pain that my mom felt necessary? The answer, I have come to conclude, is that it was because I needed to show my parents that if they didn't respect me that they would lose me. There was no other way to show that than to walk away and to refuse to take part in the circle of disrespect that I was raised in.  

I had to completely destroy my relationship with my parents before I could rebuild it to what I wanted. Now, I finally have the kind of relationship I always wanted with my parents. This might be the closest that I have ever been with them.

Unfortunately, relations with my sister have become non-existent. So this family rebuilding project isn't quite complete yet.

Why I Threw My Family Out of My Life

Back in October, I stopped non-essential communication with my parents. It started by not returning their phone calls and responding with short and terse replies to their emails. Eventually, I would start screening their calls and set up a filter to send their email directly to spam. Two months ago, right before Christmas I told my sister over text I no longer wanted to talk to her.

As of right now, I essentially have no immediate family to rely on. In fact, the only reminder that I even have a family comes in the form of forwarded mail from my mom.

Growing up things were never bad at home. My parents always paid the bills on time, made sure I had more than enough to eat and bought me the things I wanted once in awhile. I never abused physically outside of the spanking I received once in awhile and was always pushed to do well in school. It was very much the stereotypical upper middle class Asian household, where money was in ample supply but emotions and respect were sorely lacking.

Short of walking out, my father was probably as detached from my life. He would go to work and come back home, only getting involved in my life when it was necessary to discipline me or my mom nagged him enough. Being around my father always felt like a burden and as a result, most of father and son time was spent in silence usually in the car.

Aside from the total lack of things to talk about, there was another good reason for the silence. My father had a knack for making me utterly worthless and incompetent. If I shared any dreams or passions with him, it would quickly lead to self doubt. Sharing achievements with my father would quickly lead to the downplaying of them. Sharing failures would immediately lead to pointing out of incompetencies and subsequent worthlessness.

My sister told me during thanksgiving my father had asked if I would even care if he died. When my sister told me that, it struck me that my father was more interested in being the victim than trying to figure out what happened.

Is it too much to ask that my parents share in my dreams and ambitions? That they can respect the choices that I have made and we can say nice things to each other without having it disdainfully called "sweet talking." It seems at this point in this time, it is too much to ask and that is why I have chosen not to participate.

As I am discovering as I get older, earning money is pretty damn easy if you start at the middle. It's the extra things in life that you are not paid to do that are the most difficult.

Emoinacloset and Robocop always shake their heads and tell me that I am always looking for a family wherever I go. And the sad truth is that is completely true.   

You can never have enough money

Come Friday, I will have over $10,000 in my bank account. I have never been worth more in my life and it's just the beginning.

It is hard to imagine that I first came to San Francisco on a $1,750 per month salary. It's hard to even think I survived off my $30,000 full time salary. I wonder how I ever made ends meet in those days.

However, with more money comes more problems. My $80,000 salary though much, much higher than I ever hoped to make straight out of school feels inadequate. This is partly because I am in constant fear of losing my job and as a result am trying to save as much money as possible for unemployment. However, no amount I save seems enough and the thought of not have $10K in my bank account is depressing. Sometimes, I think I am collecting money for the sake of it, as if those ever increasing numbers on my ATM receipt are all that I need in the world.

The other half of the equation is just that it really just does not feel like enough money! When you have developer friends that make six figures, your high salary suddenly doesn't feel that high anymore. In fact, it feels downright inadequate. Never mind that $80K is more than the median household income in the United States (hint, that's with TWO people working under one roof).

The funny thing is, as much as I want more money, I have no idea what I would do with it. Already, I am having problems spending more than half of my current salary. The problem is that I still have this mentality of earning $30K a year and as a result I still try to keep all my meals around $10. I have splurged twice on meals and drinks over the last two weeks, but that doesn't seem like it is going to be trend. I have a sudden interest in purchasing non-Ikea furniture, but I still balk at price tags that exceed $200. All in all, I am still pretty frugal as half of my salary goes to savings. So why am I so obsessed about getting more money?

I told my friend Linda when I got laid off that all I wanted to do was make a lot of money, then I would be set and could enjoy life. I told her that I was tired of being broke and that making a lot would change everything. Well, it turns out when the first paycheck hit my bank account, my world wasn't turned upside down, it didn't make me happy and worst of all, I was still worrying about money.

This has led me to ask if there a magic amount that I can earn that will let me stop worrying about money? I want "fuck you" money so that I can focus on other things in my life.

I hope this is the right way to think about life.

-muffinman

Dipping My Toes into Online Dating

I finally gave in! Last week, I dipped my toes into online dating.

Bouncing from much too old (Jeanni) to much too young (Shirley, Cathy), I have decided that it might be time to turn to tech for some help.

Certainly, San Francisco seems like the perfect city to do it in. Everybody that I know seems to have successfully found their significant other on OkCupid. Hell, I know somebody who has even gotten engaged from off of OkCupid, and they seem like a lovely couple. Any of my notions that online dating is just for hopeless 30+ year old loners, does not exist here. In fact, online dating seems to be the preferred method of dating in the city for all ages.

If you can't beat em, join em.

However, I haven't totally gotten on the OkCupid train. It is just too big of a step for me right now, since the profile is too long and it seems you have to aggressively message others in order to experience any success.

Instead, I have been messing with Tinder, a very shallow app where you are shown pictures of women located near you. All I have to do is swipe right to "Accept" and if the girl also accepts me then a match is made and we can begin messaging. I have had five matches so far, but have not messaged any of them. Partly because everybody I know that uses Tinder just messes around with it. My coworker told me Tinder is where he A/B tests his pick up lines. Tinder is probably not the best place to find a significant other, but it is still a great way to pass the time and it's a nice ego boost to see that there are girls that "like" me.

More seriously, I created a profile on CoffeeMeetsBagel.com, a dating site that has been making some noise in the startup community. The concept is simple, you get one match a day and either you like or pass on your match. If both of you like each other, then texts are sent and you can start having a conversation.  Hilariously, for my first match, I was given a guy! Turns out, while lazily filling out my profile I had selected  seeking a male. Setting it to seeking female meant that the next day I did not get a match due to a gender imbalance on the site. Since the initial mismatch, I've had two matches with girls, but needless to say, they went nowhere.

Maybe, I'll have better luck next week. Keep you all posted.

-muffinman

Resurrection

You might have thought LifeAfterARC was dead, and you would have been right. For a while, I did not think I would get back to writing about my personal life. I thought I had moved beyond it, this blog was a relic of a younger life. When you are grown up and  working 60+ hours a week and viewing everything not helping the bottom line as a waste of time, blogging just does not seem to make sense.

However, what I am realizing now is that the personal is inseparable from the professional. The lack of personal understanding is very negatively affecting my well being and as a result my work. I've tried to be the robot/model employee that just buries myself into work to stop feeling, but it has just resulted in part of me dying inside.

That is why I am going to resurrect the blog today, in the hopes it will also breathe new life into me.

In addition to actually taking the time to blog each week, there's going to be a few changes in the format. Posts will be shorter and more concise, as well focused around just one subject. Gone are the days of long posts covering multiple subject matters, I will just break those up into separate posts now. Long posts will be reserved for particularly drawn out and dramatic events.

-muffinman

Serendipitous Shirley Aftermath

The past few months all feel like a blur, I cannot believe it has been so long since my last real blog post.  If I briefly think about what I have done for the past month, nothing seems to stand out.  In fact, I would even say that it has been pretty monotonous and I have been operating on autopilot.  However, if I take a little more time to reflect, I realize there have been some exciting moments and that is why I blog!

Less than a month after Shirley left for SH, she blogged about spending the night with a guy she met at the club.  That blog post hit me pretty hard and kicked off a week where I started strongly reflecting on what I was doing with my life.  I realized I was day dreaming about Shirley coming back a little too much and in the process putting a lot of things in my life on hold.  After about a week of discussing what happened with various friends, I sent Shirley an email detailing how I felt.  This started an email chain where Shirley revealed she wrote the blog post to test how much I liked her, never had any romantic feelings for me and admitted to leading me on.

Needless to say, I felt like I had been played.  All the feelings I had for Shirley suddenly felt stupid and  thoughts about being in a relationship with her seemed like self delusions.  Feeling incredibly suckered, I told Shirley that we could not be friends.  Surprisingly, I don't have any ill feelings about burning that bridge, in fact, I don't feel much nor care at all, which is in itself a bit concerning.

Shirley has emailed me twice since I told her that we probably should not be friends anymore.  I am not sure what these emails say as I delete them straight away, but from what I can make out from the 50 character teaser, Shirley still wants to be friends.  Hopefully, she understands why that is not possible in this lifetime.    

-muffinman        

2013 Resolutions

Yes, I know it is kind of lame that I jump straight to the New Year's resolution after not having blogged in months, but I promise I am chipping away at the back log of posts!

2012's post was a bit different from what I usually do and I liked the trend of group resolutions.  Alas, Emoinacloset is in NYC and Robocop is difficult to reach as usual so I am making these resolutions for them unilaterally.  I don't think they will mind, since I am the main driver behind these things anyway.  Also, this post might be a bit rough as I am going to step out and watch fireworks in an hour.

Robocop

Learn to communicate
Barring the year when Robocop disappeared without a trace, this has been the worst communication year ever.  Multiple times, Robocop went off the grid and the only way for me to reach him was through his girlfriend.  Both Emoinacloset and my patience is wearing thin.  We love Robocop and everything, but it is very frustrating when it seems like the other person is not even trying in the friendship.  In 2013, I would like to see Robocop pick up the phone, call me back or text me within a reasonable amount of time when I reach out to him.

Graduate 
In the past three years, Robocop has been in and out of school and fake school.  He does amazingly well in the beginning, but then loses the drive to finish when finals come around.   I know Robocop can excel in class, he's always done leaps and bounds better than me or Emoinacloset at school.  I think if he keeps a good work-life balance this year, I can see Robocop get his diploma in June.

Emoinacloset

Meet new people
I know it is hard to make new friends after college, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try.  It's a bit concerning when Emoinacloset has not made any new friends since graduation.  Also a bit concerning, when all his friends just change numbers around for a living.  I believe it would be good for Emoinacloset to step out of his comfort zone this year and make new non finance friends.  Maybe, he will figure out how be happy in the process.  


Try online dating
Liquored up one night stands are not the answer to loneliness! A real relationship with somebody you love is.  Online dating doesn't have the stigma that it had in the past.  Everybody our age is doing it! Go make your OkCupid profile now!

Muffinman

Get back into martial arts
Not to mention, I miss the rush of getting punched in the face and fighting off people trying to rip my limbs off.  Martial arts has changed my life for the better and I want to start taking training more seriously.  The last six months I have been unable to afford a gym membership, but that should all change with a new job.  In 2013, I do not want to make any more excuses about missing classes.  In addition, I want to get a blue belt or compete in an amateur fight before I die, though not necessarily in 2013.

Be Happy
Linda, a friend from my first semester in SH, appeared suddenly in my life and wrecked everything. After a month long WWOOFing stint, Linda found true happiness in Hawaii and decided to permanently move there.  As she shared her experiences and happiness, it forced me to look at my own life.  San Francisco, has been fun, but not real fun and I cannot say that I am happy without lying to myself.  I want what Linda has and with no obligations to family or friends, I think 2013 is a good year to start figuring out how to be happy.

Serendipitous Shirley

In my last post, I neglected to mention a girl who has been a huge part of my San Francisco experience.

I met Shirley a month ago, when she left me a comment on my oh so depressing blog post about my first day in San Francisco. Shirley wrote:

"I was trying to figure out a way to contact the writers of this blog, and went "forget it, I'll just comment on the newest post." Sorry this is irrelevant. But, I was googling information about the UCEAP Fudan program and landed here. I read through your blog and it's very fascinating! Also, I am from San Francisco, what a coincidence. If you need any help from a local, let me know. :)

Buuuut in exchange I'd like some information on Fudan please! :)
1. Which courses of JPIS would you recommend? Which did you take? Which should I avoid? (If you remember...)
2. So I'll be living in Tonghe, it seems. East, West, North, South which facing room has a better view?
3. Best bars, cafes, weekend spots, etcetera?
4. What advice would you give? What do you really wish you knew ahead of time?
5. Thank you so much for being awesome, sorry for commenting randomly (I would message if I could figure out how!)

Pop me an email: XXXXX@gmail.com

Please and thank you!"

I am always excited to get questions about China from strangers and this was extra special because it was from a UC student. However before committing to anything, I stalked the shit out of Shirley on Facebook. What I found was less than interesting. Shirley's profile picture was less than flattering, she was just a sophomore at UCSD and all signs suggested she was just another average Asian girl. At this point, I figured I could still use more friends in the city and since the questions that Shirley asked would have taken at least an hour to write out, I invited her out to coffee.

Our coffee meeting did not start off well, as Shirley pushed back the meeting time twice and on top of that gave me the address to the wrong La Boulange. To make matters worse, she had drowned her phone and was using her iTouch to communicate with me, which meant that she could get my texts only on wifi. After sorting everything out, we ended up meeting two and a half hours past the original scheduled time. What struck me when I spotted Shirley was that she looked nothing like her pictures on Facebook. In fact, I found her to be quite pretty!

Coffee started with some awkward introductions, but I soon warmed up a little and started spitting out the usual spiel about my time in Shanghai, while Shirley talked a bit about her life and study abroad aspirations.  We sauntered around Chinatown a bit before ending up at Banana Republic for the start of her shift, where she shook my hand and noncommittally said "we should meet again." I returned a half serious confirmation.  I walked away from that meeting thinking that Shirley was just going to be another one of those acquaintances. However, there was this nagging feeling that I should see her again and I just could not shake.

The second time I met up with Shirley, we grabbed drinks with Ashley and Jonathan.  I secretly wanted Ashley and Jonathan's opinions on Shirley, to make sure I was not behaving irrationally.  They loved Shirley, especially Ashley and that led to me taking Shirley to her first comedy club (Ashley waitresses there) where she ordered her first cocktail.  We spent the night chatting away with the staff. It felt awesome to show Shirley a whole new side of San Francisco that she never saw growing up.

One night, I decided to take a closer look at Shirley's blog and was dumbstruck by how many of her posts were similar to mine. Every third or fourth post, I thought to myself "Wow I could have written that." The fascinating thing was that Shirley was encountering problems that I have had for years. Suddenly, Shirley got really interesting and I was determined to learn more about her. Shirley and I started meeting up two to three times a week as well as texting everyday. Trading stories with Shirley in my apartment at 2am in the morning after a late night walk on the Embarcadero remains one of best memories of San Francisco. These late night rendezvous would kill my productivity at work the next day, but it was always worth it.

The more I learned about Shirley, the more amazing she got and soon enough something clicked. I realized I was happy whenever I was with her and not just the usual fun happy I pass the time with, but rather a warmer happiness that I had been missing since I left Shanghai. As lame as it sounds, at times it became difficult not think about her and on long days, I missed her life stories, inquisitive questions and lame jokes. However, what I most admired about Shirley was how she dealt with problems that were so similar to mine. Facing down my own issues has left me jaded and cynical, but Shirley handles it with much grace, optimisim and heart. When I hear her talk about her experiences, I feel a little hope for myself.

Days before Shirley was to leave, I drove her back home after another late night hangout. Little did Shirley know that prior to meeting up with her, I had agonized for days over how to tell her how I felt about her. At that moment in the car, I decided it was do or die. I died. My courage faltered and I let Shirley leave without even a hug. My dissapointment in myself must have been written on my face because as Shirley left the car she told me not to look so sad and that she would be back from Shanghai soon. I passionately hated myself as I drove away.

Midway through the drive, I pulled out my phone and started composing a message to Shirley. I finished the message when I arrived back at the apartment, sat on my bed and just stared at it for ten minutes before holding my breath and pressing the send the button.

I asked someone out on a date for the first time and I did it over text. "Better than nothing" I thought to myself. Miracously, I was able to disassociate from my feelings that night and grabbed some sleep.

In the morning, the nervousness hit me in full force. I was a wreck at work as my thoughts kept drifting towards rejection. Keep in mind, the next day was the meeting that was going to decide my future at the company. That week should have been about me showcasing my best work, but suddenly finding a job seemed so easy compared to finding a girl I actually liked!

On Facebook, I saw that Shirley had commented on Ashley's status and that only made me panic more. "Why hasn't she responded to my text yet?! Is she ignoring me?! Was my text too awkward to respond to?!" and similar thoughts ran through my head. Finally, I got a response asking me if I meant a date date and after a few text exchanges Shirley said yes. Now, I was too happy to do any work.

We ended up going on a brunch date. The weather that day was the best I had seen since moving to the city, and I made the effort to wear a shirt to boot (a significant achievement when you have been only wearing t-shirts and jeans for 5 months). I arrived at the restaurant half an hour early, partly because I was determined for everything to go smoothly and also because I needed to finish up my farewell gift. Of course, Shirley came charastically late.

Things started off awkward when we were seated. I tried my best to create conversation, but there seemed to be something on Shirley's mind. She finally asked me, if thought this date would lead to anything. I smiled and said no and told her how I thought this date would be like all the other times we hung out but just more honest. After hearing that, Shirley relaxed and we talked and laughed as we had for the past month. It seems that Shirley had envisioned a very different answer, which would have then led to an awkward situation and a terination of our friendship. Somehow after brunch, we ended up in Japantown eating crepes with me repeatedly asking/pleading her to stay for 15 more minutes! When the bus came to take her home, there was no kissing or hand holding, just a simple hug. I tried my best to show my feelings when she walked away, but I am pretty sure I failed (curse the downsides of wearing your feelings on your sleeve).

Today, it's been exactly one week since Shirley left and yes, I do miss her (I'll never admit it if you asked though). However, I am not too torn up about her departure because I know she needs this trip to find herself. Also, I have this feeling that we will meet again, if not in 5 months then definitely in a year. It is just too much of a coincidence that I met someone so inspiring! Things simply cannot end so incompletely.  However, no matter what happens though, this story is going to be a good one.

I love San Francisco

There seems to be some confusion about how great of a time I am having here in San Francisco due to my last post. Let me put it in no uncertain terms that I am having the time of my life. I love this city and the people in it! However, I do appreciate the outpouring of support that came from that post. It is comforting to know there are people out there who care how I am doing.

The truth is that the post about my first day was written 3 weeks after I landed in San Francisco. Since that time a lot of things have happened:

Drinking all day everyday

My first three weeks in SF, I was drinking close to everyday. Whether it was a beer at work, some $2 wine at the hostel or happy hour at a bar, there always seemed to be someone courting me to drink. The best part about all this alcohol is that most of the time it is free. In addition, to the quantity I am also really impressed by the quality of the free alcohol served. On the third week, I had to make a conscious effort to to stay sober for at least two days, in order to recover. Ofcourse, after four days of sobriety I quickly went back to drinking everyday.

Startup House

The fleas, flooded kitchen and all around dilapitated nature of the building has brought all the residents together. I cannot imagine a better place to start off my life in San Francisco. Startup House has brought me many friends, including some that I may live with come September. I have learned a ton about startups and web technologies from the other residents at Startup House. Steeped into the startup scene.

More importantly, I have found two friends at Startup House who I feel have my back.

Ashley
An eccentric non-traditional student, Ashley gave up a paid internship in Shanghai to pursue an unpaid one at the Hub, a co-working space for startups with social missions, for her passion in social entrepreneurship. Ashley is a hilarious drunk, terrible joke teller and possibily the most raunchy girl I have ever met. She is a great joy to be around and despite know me for just a month already seems to really care.

Jonathan
A wandering developer from Diamond Bar who seems to know about every single startup event in the bay. Jonathan was the first person to greet me at the startup house, and we have not parted ways since. He is my go to guy for most of the spare minutes I have.

Jonathan is my foil in San Francisco, we disagree over everything from tech to politics and even girls. Yet, somehow we still get along very well, to the point that some people have hinted that we act like a couple.


All for one and one for all
The three of us all get along extraordinarily well together. We have an interesting dynamic where, Ashley is the hippie who believes in humanity, Jonathan is the cynical and despairing wanderer and I am the calculating and practical one who reconiles the other's two world views together.Ashley endearing calls Jonathan and me, .5 (me) and 1.0 (Jonathan), it was annoying at first but I and everybody else at Startup House embraced it. The quirky nicknames really fit this group, where despite our huge differences we have managed to take a lot of comfort in each other. With Ashley and Jonathan, I feel that they have my back at all times.

The best times I have had in the city have been with these two, which is why I dread the day Ashley goes back to college. Jonathan and I can certainly entertain ourselves, but San Francisco simply will not be the same without Ashley.

Random reconnections

In addition to new friends, I have reconnected with a few old ones. One day at work, I was alerted by my Banjo app that Max, a friend I studied abroad with in Shanghai, had just checked into the building. Turns out he works just two floors above me. Later I discovered that Alison, a Shanghai friend from another semester also resides in San Francisco. Lastly, my high school friend Jennie just moved to the city two weeks ago. It seems San Francisco has brought to together friends from all walks of my life.  I just need a good UCSD friend to move up to complete the picture.

Work

I had envisioned myself becoming a workaholic in San Francisco and that has somewhat come true. I do spend over 60 hours at the office every week and am often the last one to leave, but I cannot say that I am always working at the office. Work, however, does consume my thoughts outside the office and I have most of my new ideas during my time off. I do not think it is a problem because I am getting in a lot of play time. Also did I mention I LOVE my job? I love the company, people and product. I love that I get to do pretty much whatever I want with minimal supervision and that the CMO respects my opinion. I love the advocacy play that the CEO wants to make in the future. I super love that I am treated like a full time employee and that the company has been very transparent about its activities, answering all of my questions and even giving me access to financials! Yes, I want to work for this company forever and strongly believe in its success.

Bottom line, I want to stay here forever...

My first day in San Francisco

“I should feel something!” I thought to myself as I rode the train up to San Francisco.  After all, I am moving to San Francisco and working at a startup. That’s what I have been dreaming about for the last two years! But why can't I be excited?  I had my entire life for the next two months packed into a duffel bag, backpack and camera bag. I was going to be staying at two different hostels and meeting new people left and right. All signs pointed to my next two months being full of adventure, but with each passing city that brought me closer to this new life, I continued to feel nothing.

On the train, thinking about the future actually became a depressing endeavor. Graduating and transitioning into a full time job instead of an internship made me feel inadequate, especially when I compared myself to friends who will be working at prestigious companies. Moving to San Francisco felt like entering life purgatory, where I was stuck between college and the real world.

I wish I could say that things got better when I arrived at the city, but they did not. Upon entering the hostel, I was expecting to be eagerly greeted by staff and fellow hostellers. Instead, I was left standing outside a locked door and I had to knock and be let in by the janitor. I then made eye contact with the two people sitting by the door and was offered no greeting. They stared back blankly at me, and the silence only broke when I asked them how I could check in. Only then did one of them get up and looked for Pierre, the staff member on duty.

Pierre checked me in and gave me a tour of Startup House. The tour gave me quite a shock as Startup House fell far below my expectations. Three months ago, I watched a video tour of the hostel under construction and now while walking around and seeing the disassembled furniture, cracked windows, dangling wires and exposed piping everywhere, it did not seem much progress was made. The worst part was seeing a bunch of people with headphones on staring at laptop screens, far from the eager and friendly hostellers I was expecting. Doubts about whether I had made the right choice began creeping into my mind. At one point, I even considered throwing in the towel, demanding a refund and moving back home.

After the initial panic, I fought back my feelings of doubt, recommitted to my hostel plan and started exploring the surrounding area. While walking the streets, the loneliness started creeping in and it dawned on me that I had no friends in San Francisco, just a few acquaintances. Suddenly the city seemed much less inviting and my thoughts once again turned towards home. “At least I would have family” I rationalized.

I walked around in circles for at least two hours before settling on a place to eat and while munching on a burger alone, I thought back to my first day in Shanghai, two years ago. Scared, unable to communicate and feeling completely alone, my first day in Shanghai was anything but fun. If it had not been for a pretty girl who tried her best to translate for me and then took me out to dinner, I do not know how I would have gotten through my first night in Shanghai. Snapping back to my lonely reality, where even though I was just an hour away from home and had no problems communicating with people around me, I somehow felt just as helpless as that first night in Shanghai. At that moment, I would have traded all of those comforts for another Jeanni to take me to dinner.

Feeling dejected after dinner, I wandered around looking for a bar that was showing the UFC fight and failed miserably. Feeling as if nothing about my first day in San Francisco was working out, I walked back to the hostel, where I got my first “Hello” from another hostller. Jonathan, the hosteller who greeted me, was no pretty girl, but at that point of the night I was going to take anything I could get. Immediately I struck up a conversation and even made plans to see the Pride parade with him the next day.

Things were finally starting to look up.

DGAF

If I had to sum up my last year in college it would be "Don't Give A Fuck" or DGAF for short. I have let friends, grades and inhibitions slip over the course of the year. In fact, the only thing I seem to care about these days is my work. Having a DGAF attitude about everything has set me free in a way that I have never felt before, but on the other has left me more cold and cynical.

The day that I no longer cared about school was probably around the time that I got rejected from the anthropology honors thesis program.  I was accepted the year before but because I was studying in Shanghai, and assured that my acceptance could be deferred till I came back from Shanghai.  While in Shanghai, I excitedly began to think about what I could write my thesis on and during the summer while working at a startup I finally figured it out. I decided I wanted to study entrepreneurialism as it married the theoretical with the practical.  I even began excitedly discussing the topic with people I met.  However, when the school year started and I emailed the anthropology adviser about signing up for the program (the same one who had assured me that I could defer my acceptance) I was told I would have to go through the vetting process again.  A little over a month later I was rejected. I felt absolutely betrayed.

UCSD from then on meant absolutely nothing to me.  I did the absolute bare minimum to pass all my classes, and even pushed the envelope on what I thought the bare minimum was.  The first quarter, I turned in a 6 out of a required 8 page paper, and that was after increasing the margins and font.  Consequently, I received a C- on the paper, which I was ecstatic about because I thought I was going to fail.  I dropped a course 3 weeks in as I did not want to take the midterm because it would be too much work. I skipped all of my classes except for the days that I absolutely had to go and course load for the whole year became what I normally took in one quarter.

As for family and friends, I cared less for them than ever before.  My mentality right now is "do what I want and everyone else be damned," and it is a pretty empowering feeling.  Suddenly, I no longer worry about what others think and this has led me to be more bold and blunt.    However, it is more than "living like you just don't care," I am living like nobody cares about me as well, which opens up a whole new world of risk taking and ruthlessness.  Living like nobody cares led me to burn a few bridges winter quarter because I was feeling that my life was getting stagnant and I needed to be forced to get new friends.  I got my shiny new friends, but there's a detached attitude to it all.  Leading me to admit that this year has left me colder and more cynical than before.

The additional free time I got from neglecting school and a lack of friends has been funneled into a lot of work, at one point in the year I held three jobs. Hands down, this has been the most productive year of college ever.  It has also been my most exciting and unique year in San Diego as I won 2nd place at a local startup event and went to Tijuana for Startup Weekend.  Many hours were spent on my professional blog too, leading to a product that I am quite proud of.

Work has become so much fun that it has frightened me a bit.  I am starting to base all of my self worth in terms of professional achievements.  There has been a clear shift in my desires.  Feelings of loneliness, thoughts of finding a girlfriend and developing meaningful friendships have been replaced.  Now I spend my day dreaming hours on how to attain money, respect and legacy all the while having fun.

Success is what I am pinning all my hopes of happiness on and it scares me to think I could fail.  What the hell am I going to do if I don't achieve it?  How am I going to be happy then?!

-muffinman

NYC Stories: Final Thoughts

Thoughts on the city

Before going to NYC, I had a very romanticized view of the city.  In my mind, San Francisco and NYC were the only two cities I wanted to live in after graduation.  After spending a week in the Big Apple, I have to scratch it off the list.  There are a couple of reasons for this:

1) There are seasons (aka it gets cold)
Even though I went to NYC for spring break, it was already too cold for me.  Wearing three to four layers for most of the year and bracing against the biting wind sounds like recipe for misery.  After enduring a record breaking cold winter in Shanghai, I have no more tolerance for the cold.  Happiness is life under the California sun, preferably in San Diego.  Seasons are completely overrated, because if it is perfect all year why fix something that is not broken?

2) Everything is expensive
I was experiencing sticker shock everywhere, as every meal seemed to run at least $10.  Things are expensive in San Francisco, but NYC definitely takes the cake.  The large presence of cash only shops is just further insult to injury as I have to physically see my wallet empty.

3) People are "blah"
There is something about the people in NYC.  I sense a certain coldness among them, it's something that I cannot really describe in a succinct word or phrase, but it makes me feel very uncomfortable and unwelcome in the city.  It's not that they are rude, though it comes off like that at times.  Rudeness does not bother me much after being pushed and shoved all around Shanghai, but something about a New Yorker's attitude does.  Watching New Yorkers weave through tourists, I get the impression that they feel anybody in their way is not just an inconvenience but a grave threat to their life.  I can feel the contempt whenever someone is inconvenienced.  I guess I could sum all these feelings up as "unfriendly" but that really does not do it justice.  I will just say that in all my travels to cities around the world, I have never had such an unsettling feeling about a populace.

Thoughts on Emoinacloset

Did Robocop and I satisfy our curiosity about Emoinacloset's life in NYC? Not really.

I did get glimpses of Emoinacloset's lifestyle that surprised me, like how he eats out for every meal.  Emoinacloset's kitchen trash can did not even have a bag over it, making me wonder if he ever used it! Despite spending almost every waking hour with Emoinacloset, there was no pivotal opening up moment where Robocop and I learned every one of  his deep dark secrets.  Outside of small talk, I found it hard to engage with Emoinacloset's friends.  The irony is that in NYC, Emoinacloset learned more about my friends, Crystal and Lucretia than I did about his.  

Emoinacloset's life in NYC is still very much a black box.

-muffinman

NYC Stories: Most Interesting Night

It's been almost two months since I left NYC, so why am I still writing about it?  Well, it's probably because events that happened that spring break still come up in my mind and make me smile and sometimes cringe.

Thursday night, after the Broadway musical was a night to remember.

The night started with drinking games with Emoinacloset's NYU friends.  While sitting in the giant drinking circle, I noticed that there was girl sitting across from me who seemed to be catching my gaze a bit too much for it to be a coincidence.  Suspicious that she was perhaps a little bit interested in me, I smiled back and made some small talk.  Later, my suspicions were confirmed at the bar where she grabbed my hand and motioned me to go to the back of the bar.  Unfortunately, I did not find her very attractive so I doubled back and rejoined Emoinacloset before heading to the back.

Once at the back of the bar, a drink fell from a table near me and a short, overweight Indian confronted me about me about knocking over his drink.  I vehemently denied it and the Indian turned to Robocop and told him "your bro knocked over my drink, we don't have a problem right now but we will."  A friend of Emoinacloset's  told Robocop to give me a $20 to buy the Indian a drink, of course, Robocop did not have anything in his wallet.  At this point, things were getting tense so remembering my Krav Maga, I dropped the girl's umbrella that I was carry on the floor and put my hands up as non threateningly as possible.  The Indian's friends were trying to tell him to just forget about the drink, but he insisted I pay for it and I was pretty certain that I had not knocked it over.  I contemplated throwing the first punch, there was no doubt that the Indian with his hands down and leaning back would get caught cleanly.  Thoughts of Ev, my Krav instructor telling us strike first stuck in my mind, but then I realized my night night would end right there and decided against it. Instead, I just walked away and sat down in another part of the bar waiting for the situation to diffuse.

While sitting down, I reflected on my sad situation.  Here I was away from my friends, running away from someone I most definitely could beat in a fight, thinking "fuck him" I rejoined my friends at the bar.  Once again, I was confronted by the Indian, but this time I was determined to not let him ruin my night.  I gave in to buying him a new drink, thinking that $10 was a small price to pay for an undisturbed night out.  As I approached the bar, the bartender was in the middle of telling everybody to move down and stop crowding the bar once they had gotten their drinks.  I quickly interrupted him and asked if he could speed up an order for a a rum and ginger ale as I was trying to get out of a fight.  The bartender poured me a shot of rum and told me it was on the house!  Having just experienced some good karma, I was feeling pretty good about turning the other cheek.  I took the shot back to the Indian, who promptly drank it, then I shook hands with him and his friends; and we agreed that everything was now "good."

I turned around to face my friends, but then felt a hand on my shoulder.  It was the Indian again!  He told me I had given him the wrong drink and demanded I buy him a ginger ale and Captain Morgan.  Incensed, I was in the process of loading up my right hand and it took all my self control to decide he was not worth it and walked to the other end of the bar.
     
Robocop found me at the front of the bar, later Emoinacloset and the girl who was hitting on me later appeared too.  I was still angry over the drink incident, cursing furiously and talking about how I should have taken that fight.  Emoinacloset assured me walking away was the right decision and when the girl questioned if I really could have fought the Indian, things took an interesting turn.  Suddenly, Emoinacloset became my wingman, he told the girl how I had been training Muay Thai, Krav Maga and BJJ for years! Somehow that segmented into how I was working at a startup and doing an amazing job.  In my mind, I laughed out loud over how ridiculous the conversation was getting, I think I saw a smile creep over Robocop's face as well.  Come to think of it, I don't think Emoinacloset even said all those things with a straight face.

Not sure if the girl was buying all the praise, but as the night wore on she definitely got more flirty.  She held on to my hand and according to Robocop at times looked like she wanted to kiss me.  At some point, she must have gotten tired of repeatedly shutting down her flirtations and stepped out to take a phone call, only to never to come back.

Back at the apartment, Emoinacloset and Robocop blasted me for not "sealing the deal."  I shot back that they would be giving me much more shit had I hooked up with her and they agreed, before once again jumping on me for not "sealing the deal."  While reflecting my first experience getting hit on, I realized that Robocop and I had been butchering her name the whole night.  It's hilarious to think that a girl flirted with me the whole night despite me calling her two different names, both of which were incorrect.

The next morning, I discovered that I had accidentally added the girl on Facebook and she had accepted.  The hilarity continued when we called a mutual friend who knew the girl and relayed my story.  Our mutual friend was not surprised and we learned that the girl did this kind of thing quite often.  The icing to this story happened back in San Diego, where the girl randomly messages me on Facebook and we actually had an hour long conversation without any awkwardness.  When I asked her about that night, she seemed to have little to no memory about it, something that was later confirmed by the mutual friend.

That's alright, because Emoinacloset, Robocop and I will be laughing about this for awhile.

-muffinman

NYC stories: THAT FB Message

I met probably the prettiest NYU girl from the whole trip on Wednesday night. Emoinacloset, Robocop and I were at a bar with some of Emoinacloset's NYU friends. Out of everybody in the groupm I noticed there was just one girl that I found attractive and I tried my best to talk to her. Unfortunately, as I have been discovering, I am not very adept at small talk, in fact, I think I might be downright terrible at it. I did not get openly shot down, mainly because I was not agressively pursuing her but a conversation never started as much as I had hoped. Honestly, I think I am better suited for long talks over coffee than chit chat at a bar.


Emoinacloset and Robocop both noticed my interest in her but I denied it. They kept bugging me about it for the rest of the trip. Things only escalated when I revealed that I had sent her this Facebook:

Needless to say, she did not respond. My reasoning for this ill conceived message was that I was better at writing than talking. Also for some reason at noon the next day I was feeling flirty. Initially, I had thought my Facebook message was pretty good, until I showed it to Emoinacloset and Robocop and they bluntly told me it was terrible and even a little creepy. "Bah!" I thought to myself! What do they know? They can't write for shit!" then we told a few other people about it and I heard "creepy" a few more times. By the end of the day, even I had to admit that it might have been a mistake.


Looking back at the message after coming back from New York, I cringe. I cannot even get myself to read the whole thing again (a sure sign of bad writing). My friend Diane, pointed out that it was chock full of one liners, which in retrospect is true. So much for good writing.


I should probably stick to blog writing for the foreseeable future. I am good at that right?

-muffinman

NYC Stories: Winning Big on Broadway!

Having done all the other touristy stuff, much of which is not worth mentioning, we were left with just one thing left that we absolutely had to do in NYC. Watch Broadway!

Unfortunately, like much of the trip, the unplanned execution went poorly. Initially, I had wanted Emoinacloset, Robocop and me to wake up early and get discounted same day tickets in the Financial District, but sleeping at four in the morning has a tendency to make one wake up past eleven. Upon oversleeping, we changed up our plans and headed to Times Square with all the other tourists and lined up at the TKTS booth.

30 minutes in line and a lot of smartphone research later, Emoinacloset suggested we go directly to the theater box offices and get student tickets. The big risk, however, was that these significantly cheaper student tickets could be long sold out already. Feeling the emptiness of my bank account I decided to take the risk.

Our first stop was the Book of Mormon, a musical written by the creators of South Park. At the box office, they told us that did they do not sell student tickets but instead did a drawing for steeply discounted tickets at 5:30pm instead. We left the theatre a bit hesitant about leaving our hopes of seeing Broadway to chance, so we tried our luck at Chicago, but were told that student tickets were sold out within 15 minutes of the box office opening. Leaving Chicago, we realized that the drawing was the only way we were going to watch anything that day. As if it could improve our chances, I loudly yelled out "I AM FEELING LUCKY!” as we walked away from the theater.

Coming back to the Book of Mormon 15 minutes before the drawing, we were feeling very enthusiastic about our chances. There was a line with about 30 people so we thought our chances of winning were pretty good, then we realized that this was the line for standing tickets and the ever growing crowd in front of the main doors was for the drawing. When we saw the size of the crowd which eventually topped out at a little over a hundred people, our hearts sank and any feeling of luck was gone. We filled out our forms and nervously waited.

There was a man with a megaphone announcing the winners and he asked people to "act like they won something" if their ticket was drawn. We took that to heart and when Robocop won, he cheered as obnoxiously as possible. Robocop even hollered the entire time he swam his way through the crowd to get to the ticket office.

While Robocop was waiting to get his ticket, Emoinacloset and I were brainstorming about what to do next. Robocop could only get 2 tickets meaning that one of us would have to grab a standing seat and be separated from the group. We were both thinking of a fair way to decide who should be left out when Emoinacloset's ticket was drawn.

Hearing Emoinacloset's name, I just remember repeatedly screaming "OH SHIT! THIS IS RIDICULOUS" and jumping up and down as the crowd stared. I had just taken our obnoxious cheering to the next level. Thankfully, Emoinacloset wised up and took the door that the crowd was not blocking, minimizing his chances of getting assaulted.

 Inside the box office, Emoinacloset told me he overheard an old couple that was standing in front of us, angrily say they had entered the drawing three times and never won. Later, we learned from a mutual friend that the show was sold out for months! Hearing all of that just made winning all the sweeter.

Immediately after getting the tickets, we camera whored it up, taking multiple pictures in front of the theater. We even went back to the theater after walking a block away because I had the brilliant idea of tebowing with the tickets.

The musical was great, but I have to say winning those tickets was even better. This was easily the high point of our NYC trip and a definite “life moment” that I will remember forever.

Spring Break in NYC

There is a sense of anticipation as the clock ticks down to our arrival time to New York. It is a trip that has been talked about for years between the three musketeers (Emoinacloset, Robocop and me). Now on our last year of college, our New York trip is finally happening.

Getting here was hard, we came close to pulling the trigger on it back in sophomore year, but Robocop ruined it to register for classes at SJSU. Many times during this winter quarter there was lots of talk about buying tickets but never a firm commitment. Finally in a moment of conviction in February, I tracked Robocop down and we bought the tickets together while on the phone. After buying the tickets, there were more trials when Robocop unwittingly invited some people without asking me or Emoinacloset about it. I ended up having to be the bad guy and inform them that I wanted this to be an exclusive three musketeers trip and they were not welcome.

So now I am on the plane sitting next to Robocop, traveling with the bare minimum of necessities. In my backpack are half a week's worth of clothes, an iPad, around $500 and close to no travel plans. I am crossing my fingers that everything will work out.

More than just exploring NYC, the goal of this trip is to finally see Emoinacloset's life. As a very closed off person, Robocop and I know next to nothing about Emoinacloset's habits, haunts and friends in the city. This trip will hopefully answer a lot of questions.

Living it up

I was on Whatsapp talking to Yanjia about the trials and tribulations of being single, when I learned that she had never fallen head over heels for someone. I was greatly saddened to have heard that all her relationships have been the "okay maybe we can try it out" type. Thinking back, I realize that I actually have quite a few friends who never been swept off their feet.

Perhaps I just like to be dramatic, but the thought of never having..

- Day dreamed about all the dates, happiness, laughter and warmth that would happen with her
- Overanalyzed every spoken word, text, IM, facebook post and in person interaction for clues about whether she likes me
- Agonized over every word of a text (does she like me?), the time between texts (why is she taking so long to reply?! Is she seeing someone else?!?!) and when to reply (Wait more than 15 seconds to respond so I don't seem like I have been waiting for her text all day)
- Nervously counted down the minutes till every meeting, wondering how to impress while not being awkward or making a fool of myself.
- Driven my friends crazy because she is all I can talk about.
- Died trying to decide whether to reveal my feelings and risk alienating a friend forever.

... well that just wouldn't be living!

-muffinman

Stressing and other things

The last few months have been sort of a stressful blur. I managed to take on 2 volunteer positions, a role in a student organization and of course my real job at the startup. Also, I am taking two classes, which of course I am blowing off, but they do require some effort to pass and as of currently even passing seems to be a problem. Most of the time it has been enjoyable though the stress does get to me periodically.

At its worse the stress manifests itself as an emptiness in my chest. A sense of helplessness takes over and sometimes it even feels like I am struggling for breath. I always find that breath and have been soldiering on with it. Though, I keep questioning how long I can keep it all together.

This is especially true for my job at Wednesdays. Week after week I run all the meals, with very minimal supervision or guidance. It's a roller coaster ride as I nervously watch the number of acceptances climb to the minimum number that is needed for the meal to happen. Tuesday, the day before the lunch, I make the reservations and make sure all the restaurants know what they are supposed to be doing. Wednesday, I pray everything goes smoothly, that everybody has their reservation and no lunch slipped through the cracks. Thursday, I wake up scared of my phone and computer, afraid of the call or email that tells me I messed up big time. A sigh of relief, as Thursday ends and I realize I made it through another week. Friday morning, everything starts building up again as I start prepping for the next week of lunches.

Looking back, I am baffled at how I have not once irreparably screwed up. Looking forward, I wonder how my perfect streak could possibly continue.

Usually, my co-workers are there to give me a sense of security. However, as the weekly conference calls with team have repeatedly fallen through, I have been feeling disconnected from the team. Seems like it's harder to get everybody together for the call when we don't have an office anymore.

Back in San Diego things are not much better. Losing Ashley H. and Sarah has put huge holes in my support network. Kevin is once again completely engrossed in his computer games and refusing most of my attempts to hang out outside the apartment, not that he was much of an emotional support anyway. It's been impossible to get a hold of Ashley L. as she's been preoccupied with school, work and her Christian group. I started the quarter off hanging out with Shari a lot, however, she has since been gobbled up by school work. Also, I have a hard time connecting with her as we live worlds apart.

That leaves me with just Diane, who I see fairly often and is a great friend, but once again, there is just something about her that keeps her from becoming a true rock that I can anchor onto. Recently, there has been An, a girl I used to know back when I worked at the TV station. An has been great fun, as we geek out awesomely together. Almost all of our conversations center around tech and startups! We have the most lively debates and discussions that just makes the time fly by.

However, as much fun as I am having with An, what I am really need is some emotional support. And right now, it feels like I am grasping at straws.

-muffinman