Serendipitous Shirley Aftermath

The past few months all feel like a blur, I cannot believe it has been so long since my last real blog post.  If I briefly think about what I have done for the past month, nothing seems to stand out.  In fact, I would even say that it has been pretty monotonous and I have been operating on autopilot.  However, if I take a little more time to reflect, I realize there have been some exciting moments and that is why I blog!

Less than a month after Shirley left for SH, she blogged about spending the night with a guy she met at the club.  That blog post hit me pretty hard and kicked off a week where I started strongly reflecting on what I was doing with my life.  I realized I was day dreaming about Shirley coming back a little too much and in the process putting a lot of things in my life on hold.  After about a week of discussing what happened with various friends, I sent Shirley an email detailing how I felt.  This started an email chain where Shirley revealed she wrote the blog post to test how much I liked her, never had any romantic feelings for me and admitted to leading me on.

Needless to say, I felt like I had been played.  All the feelings I had for Shirley suddenly felt stupid and  thoughts about being in a relationship with her seemed like self delusions.  Feeling incredibly suckered, I told Shirley that we could not be friends.  Surprisingly, I don't have any ill feelings about burning that bridge, in fact, I don't feel much nor care at all, which is in itself a bit concerning.

Shirley has emailed me twice since I told her that we probably should not be friends anymore.  I am not sure what these emails say as I delete them straight away, but from what I can make out from the 50 character teaser, Shirley still wants to be friends.  Hopefully, she understands why that is not possible in this lifetime.    

-muffinman        

Missing Piece

Sometimes I stay up thinking about how she might look like.  Usually this occurs in the wee hours of the morning, when everyone is asleep.  My mind throws around familiar faces and features.  "She will have big eyes!" I declare in my mind, "like the kind that you get lost in."   "Definitely Asian" I muse to myself, "well, maybe..." I think to myself as I try to imagine myself with a white girl.  Thought about her appearance shift to ones about her personality.  

"She must be good with kids!" I exclaim, "that's always attractive."  "Must be much nicer than me!" because really who wants to date someone mean?  "Very forgiving!" I realize, "or else the relationship would be really short because I mess up a lot!"  "Passionate about something," so I can take inspiration from her.  "Possess an inner strength," I abhor push overs.  "Most important of all I must be able to take comfort in her," when I hold her hand I will know everything will be alright.  

These series of thoughts always end with the wish that she comes soon. 

It is hard to explain to my friends why I feel so strongly about this.  They just see it as me being desperate, something that occurs after having been out of a relationship for so many years, but I would like to think it is more than that.  Whenever I mention the word "girlfriend" people tend to conjures up the idea that I just want a girl in my arms to cuddle and such.  My mom once asked me why I even needed a girlfriend if I had good friends because as she explained, aside from the physical stuff it was the same thing.  At the time, the best answer I could give her was that it was just "different" and that is the answer I gave not because I did not know any better, but rather because it was too embarrassing to elaborate on. 

My life fluctuates between highs and lows quite frequently.  It is always the same story, I find something new and commit myself whole heartedly to it because it excites and entertains me.  After a while, the excitement wears off and I find myself at a low point, where there is an emptiness that I cannot fill.  Whatever I was doing because it was fun, I am now doing because it passes the time and it keeps me from feeling the emptiness.  The selfishness of everything I am doing weighs more and more as the entertainment factor gets less and less.  When I reach rock bottom, I do something drastic to start the cycle again.

The accomplishments that I strive for feel empty because I feel that I have nobody to share them with.  I question whether people share in my happiness.  If I achieve something of great value for myself, are my friends genuinely happy for me? The answer I keep coming up with is "No" because I do not feel it myself.  This leads me to constantly question how much people care about me.  Sometimes, I wonder how much people would mind if I disappeared.

All of this leads me to confess that a large part of me wants to care for someone.  To do things because of someone, because I am tired of doing things for myself.  While in Shanghai, Jeanni once told me that once you met Gift (our mutual friend) you just wanted to protect her.  The idea of wanting to protect someone was one that I was all too familiar with, and a feeling that I craved.  There is a certain satisfaction that comes from taking care of someone.  It is not the smile on someone's face or their kind words, but rather the feeling that you are needed.  The idea that I exist to make someone truly happy, well that’s just the missing piece to break the cycle.

-muffiman