Sometimes
I stay up thinking about how she might look like. Usually this occurs in the wee hours of the
morning, when everyone is asleep. My
mind throws around familiar faces and features.
"She will have big eyes!" I declare in my mind, "like the
kind that you get lost in."
"Definitely Asian" I muse to myself, "well,
maybe..." I think to myself as I try to imagine myself with a white
girl. Thought about her appearance shift
to ones about her personality.
"She
must be good with kids!" I exclaim, "that's always
attractive." "Must be much
nicer than me!" because really who wants to date someone mean? "Very forgiving!" I realize, "or
else the relationship would be really short because I mess up a lot!" "Passionate about something," so I
can take inspiration from her.
"Possess an inner strength," I abhor push overs. "Most important of all I must be able to
take comfort in her," when I hold her hand I will know everything will be
alright.
These
series of thoughts always end with the wish that she comes soon.
It is
hard to explain to my friends why I feel so strongly about this. They just see it as me being desperate,
something that occurs after having been out of a relationship for so many
years, but I would like to think it is more than that. Whenever I mention the word
"girlfriend" people tend to conjures up the idea that I just want a
girl in my arms to cuddle and such. My
mom once asked me why I even needed a girlfriend if I had good friends because
as she explained, aside from the physical stuff it was the same thing. At the time, the best answer I could give her
was that it was just "different" and that is the answer I gave not
because I did not know any better, but rather because it was too embarrassing
to elaborate on.
My life
fluctuates between highs and lows quite frequently. It is always the same story, I find something
new and commit myself whole heartedly to it because it excites and entertains
me. After a while, the excitement wears
off and I find myself at a low point, where there is an emptiness that I cannot
fill. Whatever I was doing because it
was fun, I am now doing because it passes the time and it keeps me from feeling
the emptiness. The selfishness of
everything I am doing weighs more and more as the entertainment factor gets
less and less. When I reach rock bottom,
I do something drastic to start the cycle again.
The
accomplishments that I strive for feel empty because I feel that I have nobody
to share them with. I question whether
people share in my happiness. If I
achieve something of great value for myself, are my friends genuinely happy for
me? The answer I keep coming up with is "No" because I do not feel it
myself. This leads me to constantly
question how much people care about me.
Sometimes, I wonder how much people would mind if I disappeared.
All of
this leads me to confess that a large part of me wants to care for
someone. To do things because of
someone, because I am tired of doing things for myself. While in Shanghai, Jeanni once told me that
once you met Gift (our mutual friend) you just wanted to protect her. The idea of wanting to protect someone was
one that I was all too familiar with, and a feeling that I craved. There is a certain satisfaction that comes
from taking care of someone. It is not
the smile on someone's face or their kind words, but rather the feeling that
you are needed. The idea that I exist to
make someone truly happy, well that’s just the missing piece to
break the cycle.
-muffiman
