Back in October, I stopped non-essential communication with my parents. It started by not returning their phone calls and responding with short and terse replies to their emails. Eventually, I would start screening their calls and set up a filter to send their email directly to spam. Two months ago, right before Christmas I told my sister over text I no longer wanted to talk to her.
As of right now, I essentially have no immediate family to rely on. In fact, the only reminder that I even have a family comes in the form of forwarded mail from my mom.
Growing up things were never bad at home. My parents always paid the bills on time, made sure I had more than enough to eat and bought me the things I wanted once in awhile. I never abused physically outside of the spanking I received once in awhile and was always pushed to do well in school. It was very much the stereotypical upper middle class Asian household, where money was in ample supply but emotions and respect were sorely lacking.
Short of walking out, my father was probably as detached from my life. He would go to work and come back home, only getting involved in my life when it was necessary to discipline me or my mom nagged him enough. Being around my father always felt like a burden and as a result, most of father and son time was spent in silence usually in the car.
Aside from the total lack of things to talk about, there was another good reason for the silence. My father had a knack for making me utterly worthless and incompetent. If I shared any dreams or passions with him, it would quickly lead to self doubt. Sharing achievements with my father would quickly lead to the downplaying of them. Sharing failures would immediately lead to pointing out of incompetencies and subsequent worthlessness.
My sister told me during thanksgiving my father had asked if I would even care if he died. When my sister told me that, it struck me that my father was more interested in being the victim than trying to figure out what happened.
Is it too much to ask that my parents share in my dreams and ambitions? That they can respect the choices that I have made and we can say nice things to each other without having it disdainfully called "sweet talking." It seems at this point in this time, it is too much to ask and that is why I have chosen not to participate.
As I am discovering as I get older, earning money is pretty damn easy if you start at the middle. It's the extra things in life that you are not paid to do that are the most difficult.
Emoinacloset and Robocop always shake their heads and tell me that I am always looking for a family wherever I go. And the sad truth is that is completely true.
