2013 Resolutions

Yes, I know it is kind of lame that I jump straight to the New Year's resolution after not having blogged in months, but I promise I am chipping away at the back log of posts!

2012's post was a bit different from what I usually do and I liked the trend of group resolutions.  Alas, Emoinacloset is in NYC and Robocop is difficult to reach as usual so I am making these resolutions for them unilaterally.  I don't think they will mind, since I am the main driver behind these things anyway.  Also, this post might be a bit rough as I am going to step out and watch fireworks in an hour.

Robocop

Learn to communicate
Barring the year when Robocop disappeared without a trace, this has been the worst communication year ever.  Multiple times, Robocop went off the grid and the only way for me to reach him was through his girlfriend.  Both Emoinacloset and my patience is wearing thin.  We love Robocop and everything, but it is very frustrating when it seems like the other person is not even trying in the friendship.  In 2013, I would like to see Robocop pick up the phone, call me back or text me within a reasonable amount of time when I reach out to him.

Graduate 
In the past three years, Robocop has been in and out of school and fake school.  He does amazingly well in the beginning, but then loses the drive to finish when finals come around.   I know Robocop can excel in class, he's always done leaps and bounds better than me or Emoinacloset at school.  I think if he keeps a good work-life balance this year, I can see Robocop get his diploma in June.

Emoinacloset

Meet new people
I know it is hard to make new friends after college, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try.  It's a bit concerning when Emoinacloset has not made any new friends since graduation.  Also a bit concerning, when all his friends just change numbers around for a living.  I believe it would be good for Emoinacloset to step out of his comfort zone this year and make new non finance friends.  Maybe, he will figure out how be happy in the process.  


Try online dating
Liquored up one night stands are not the answer to loneliness! A real relationship with somebody you love is.  Online dating doesn't have the stigma that it had in the past.  Everybody our age is doing it! Go make your OkCupid profile now!

Muffinman

Get back into martial arts
Not to mention, I miss the rush of getting punched in the face and fighting off people trying to rip my limbs off.  Martial arts has changed my life for the better and I want to start taking training more seriously.  The last six months I have been unable to afford a gym membership, but that should all change with a new job.  In 2013, I do not want to make any more excuses about missing classes.  In addition, I want to get a blue belt or compete in an amateur fight before I die, though not necessarily in 2013.

Be Happy
Linda, a friend from my first semester in SH, appeared suddenly in my life and wrecked everything. After a month long WWOOFing stint, Linda found true happiness in Hawaii and decided to permanently move there.  As she shared her experiences and happiness, it forced me to look at my own life.  San Francisco, has been fun, but not real fun and I cannot say that I am happy without lying to myself.  I want what Linda has and with no obligations to family or friends, I think 2013 is a good year to start figuring out how to be happy.

Serendipitous Shirley

In my last post, I neglected to mention a girl who has been a huge part of my San Francisco experience.

I met Shirley a month ago, when she left me a comment on my oh so depressing blog post about my first day in San Francisco. Shirley wrote:

"I was trying to figure out a way to contact the writers of this blog, and went "forget it, I'll just comment on the newest post." Sorry this is irrelevant. But, I was googling information about the UCEAP Fudan program and landed here. I read through your blog and it's very fascinating! Also, I am from San Francisco, what a coincidence. If you need any help from a local, let me know. :)

Buuuut in exchange I'd like some information on Fudan please! :)
1. Which courses of JPIS would you recommend? Which did you take? Which should I avoid? (If you remember...)
2. So I'll be living in Tonghe, it seems. East, West, North, South which facing room has a better view?
3. Best bars, cafes, weekend spots, etcetera?
4. What advice would you give? What do you really wish you knew ahead of time?
5. Thank you so much for being awesome, sorry for commenting randomly (I would message if I could figure out how!)

Pop me an email: XXXXX@gmail.com

Please and thank you!"

I am always excited to get questions about China from strangers and this was extra special because it was from a UC student. However before committing to anything, I stalked the shit out of Shirley on Facebook. What I found was less than interesting. Shirley's profile picture was less than flattering, she was just a sophomore at UCSD and all signs suggested she was just another average Asian girl. At this point, I figured I could still use more friends in the city and since the questions that Shirley asked would have taken at least an hour to write out, I invited her out to coffee.

Our coffee meeting did not start off well, as Shirley pushed back the meeting time twice and on top of that gave me the address to the wrong La Boulange. To make matters worse, she had drowned her phone and was using her iTouch to communicate with me, which meant that she could get my texts only on wifi. After sorting everything out, we ended up meeting two and a half hours past the original scheduled time. What struck me when I spotted Shirley was that she looked nothing like her pictures on Facebook. In fact, I found her to be quite pretty!

Coffee started with some awkward introductions, but I soon warmed up a little and started spitting out the usual spiel about my time in Shanghai, while Shirley talked a bit about her life and study abroad aspirations.  We sauntered around Chinatown a bit before ending up at Banana Republic for the start of her shift, where she shook my hand and noncommittally said "we should meet again." I returned a half serious confirmation.  I walked away from that meeting thinking that Shirley was just going to be another one of those acquaintances. However, there was this nagging feeling that I should see her again and I just could not shake.

The second time I met up with Shirley, we grabbed drinks with Ashley and Jonathan.  I secretly wanted Ashley and Jonathan's opinions on Shirley, to make sure I was not behaving irrationally.  They loved Shirley, especially Ashley and that led to me taking Shirley to her first comedy club (Ashley waitresses there) where she ordered her first cocktail.  We spent the night chatting away with the staff. It felt awesome to show Shirley a whole new side of San Francisco that she never saw growing up.

One night, I decided to take a closer look at Shirley's blog and was dumbstruck by how many of her posts were similar to mine. Every third or fourth post, I thought to myself "Wow I could have written that." The fascinating thing was that Shirley was encountering problems that I have had for years. Suddenly, Shirley got really interesting and I was determined to learn more about her. Shirley and I started meeting up two to three times a week as well as texting everyday. Trading stories with Shirley in my apartment at 2am in the morning after a late night walk on the Embarcadero remains one of best memories of San Francisco. These late night rendezvous would kill my productivity at work the next day, but it was always worth it.

The more I learned about Shirley, the more amazing she got and soon enough something clicked. I realized I was happy whenever I was with her and not just the usual fun happy I pass the time with, but rather a warmer happiness that I had been missing since I left Shanghai. As lame as it sounds, at times it became difficult not think about her and on long days, I missed her life stories, inquisitive questions and lame jokes. However, what I most admired about Shirley was how she dealt with problems that were so similar to mine. Facing down my own issues has left me jaded and cynical, but Shirley handles it with much grace, optimisim and heart. When I hear her talk about her experiences, I feel a little hope for myself.

Days before Shirley was to leave, I drove her back home after another late night hangout. Little did Shirley know that prior to meeting up with her, I had agonized for days over how to tell her how I felt about her. At that moment in the car, I decided it was do or die. I died. My courage faltered and I let Shirley leave without even a hug. My dissapointment in myself must have been written on my face because as Shirley left the car she told me not to look so sad and that she would be back from Shanghai soon. I passionately hated myself as I drove away.

Midway through the drive, I pulled out my phone and started composing a message to Shirley. I finished the message when I arrived back at the apartment, sat on my bed and just stared at it for ten minutes before holding my breath and pressing the send the button.

I asked someone out on a date for the first time and I did it over text. "Better than nothing" I thought to myself. Miracously, I was able to disassociate from my feelings that night and grabbed some sleep.

In the morning, the nervousness hit me in full force. I was a wreck at work as my thoughts kept drifting towards rejection. Keep in mind, the next day was the meeting that was going to decide my future at the company. That week should have been about me showcasing my best work, but suddenly finding a job seemed so easy compared to finding a girl I actually liked!

On Facebook, I saw that Shirley had commented on Ashley's status and that only made me panic more. "Why hasn't she responded to my text yet?! Is she ignoring me?! Was my text too awkward to respond to?!" and similar thoughts ran through my head. Finally, I got a response asking me if I meant a date date and after a few text exchanges Shirley said yes. Now, I was too happy to do any work.

We ended up going on a brunch date. The weather that day was the best I had seen since moving to the city, and I made the effort to wear a shirt to boot (a significant achievement when you have been only wearing t-shirts and jeans for 5 months). I arrived at the restaurant half an hour early, partly because I was determined for everything to go smoothly and also because I needed to finish up my farewell gift. Of course, Shirley came charastically late.

Things started off awkward when we were seated. I tried my best to create conversation, but there seemed to be something on Shirley's mind. She finally asked me, if thought this date would lead to anything. I smiled and said no and told her how I thought this date would be like all the other times we hung out but just more honest. After hearing that, Shirley relaxed and we talked and laughed as we had for the past month. It seems that Shirley had envisioned a very different answer, which would have then led to an awkward situation and a terination of our friendship. Somehow after brunch, we ended up in Japantown eating crepes with me repeatedly asking/pleading her to stay for 15 more minutes! When the bus came to take her home, there was no kissing or hand holding, just a simple hug. I tried my best to show my feelings when she walked away, but I am pretty sure I failed (curse the downsides of wearing your feelings on your sleeve).

Today, it's been exactly one week since Shirley left and yes, I do miss her (I'll never admit it if you asked though). However, I am not too torn up about her departure because I know she needs this trip to find herself. Also, I have this feeling that we will meet again, if not in 5 months then definitely in a year. It is just too much of a coincidence that I met someone so inspiring! Things simply cannot end so incompletely.  However, no matter what happens though, this story is going to be a good one.

I love San Francisco

There seems to be some confusion about how great of a time I am having here in San Francisco due to my last post. Let me put it in no uncertain terms that I am having the time of my life. I love this city and the people in it! However, I do appreciate the outpouring of support that came from that post. It is comforting to know there are people out there who care how I am doing.

The truth is that the post about my first day was written 3 weeks after I landed in San Francisco. Since that time a lot of things have happened:

Drinking all day everyday

My first three weeks in SF, I was drinking close to everyday. Whether it was a beer at work, some $2 wine at the hostel or happy hour at a bar, there always seemed to be someone courting me to drink. The best part about all this alcohol is that most of the time it is free. In addition, to the quantity I am also really impressed by the quality of the free alcohol served. On the third week, I had to make a conscious effort to to stay sober for at least two days, in order to recover. Ofcourse, after four days of sobriety I quickly went back to drinking everyday.

Startup House

The fleas, flooded kitchen and all around dilapitated nature of the building has brought all the residents together. I cannot imagine a better place to start off my life in San Francisco. Startup House has brought me many friends, including some that I may live with come September. I have learned a ton about startups and web technologies from the other residents at Startup House. Steeped into the startup scene.

More importantly, I have found two friends at Startup House who I feel have my back.

Ashley
An eccentric non-traditional student, Ashley gave up a paid internship in Shanghai to pursue an unpaid one at the Hub, a co-working space for startups with social missions, for her passion in social entrepreneurship. Ashley is a hilarious drunk, terrible joke teller and possibily the most raunchy girl I have ever met. She is a great joy to be around and despite know me for just a month already seems to really care.

Jonathan
A wandering developer from Diamond Bar who seems to know about every single startup event in the bay. Jonathan was the first person to greet me at the startup house, and we have not parted ways since. He is my go to guy for most of the spare minutes I have.

Jonathan is my foil in San Francisco, we disagree over everything from tech to politics and even girls. Yet, somehow we still get along very well, to the point that some people have hinted that we act like a couple.


All for one and one for all
The three of us all get along extraordinarily well together. We have an interesting dynamic where, Ashley is the hippie who believes in humanity, Jonathan is the cynical and despairing wanderer and I am the calculating and practical one who reconiles the other's two world views together.Ashley endearing calls Jonathan and me, .5 (me) and 1.0 (Jonathan), it was annoying at first but I and everybody else at Startup House embraced it. The quirky nicknames really fit this group, where despite our huge differences we have managed to take a lot of comfort in each other. With Ashley and Jonathan, I feel that they have my back at all times.

The best times I have had in the city have been with these two, which is why I dread the day Ashley goes back to college. Jonathan and I can certainly entertain ourselves, but San Francisco simply will not be the same without Ashley.

Random reconnections

In addition to new friends, I have reconnected with a few old ones. One day at work, I was alerted by my Banjo app that Max, a friend I studied abroad with in Shanghai, had just checked into the building. Turns out he works just two floors above me. Later I discovered that Alison, a Shanghai friend from another semester also resides in San Francisco. Lastly, my high school friend Jennie just moved to the city two weeks ago. It seems San Francisco has brought to together friends from all walks of my life.  I just need a good UCSD friend to move up to complete the picture.

Work

I had envisioned myself becoming a workaholic in San Francisco and that has somewhat come true. I do spend over 60 hours at the office every week and am often the last one to leave, but I cannot say that I am always working at the office. Work, however, does consume my thoughts outside the office and I have most of my new ideas during my time off. I do not think it is a problem because I am getting in a lot of play time. Also did I mention I LOVE my job? I love the company, people and product. I love that I get to do pretty much whatever I want with minimal supervision and that the CMO respects my opinion. I love the advocacy play that the CEO wants to make in the future. I super love that I am treated like a full time employee and that the company has been very transparent about its activities, answering all of my questions and even giving me access to financials! Yes, I want to work for this company forever and strongly believe in its success.

Bottom line, I want to stay here forever...

My first day in San Francisco

“I should feel something!” I thought to myself as I rode the train up to San Francisco.  After all, I am moving to San Francisco and working at a startup. That’s what I have been dreaming about for the last two years! But why can't I be excited?  I had my entire life for the next two months packed into a duffel bag, backpack and camera bag. I was going to be staying at two different hostels and meeting new people left and right. All signs pointed to my next two months being full of adventure, but with each passing city that brought me closer to this new life, I continued to feel nothing.

On the train, thinking about the future actually became a depressing endeavor. Graduating and transitioning into a full time job instead of an internship made me feel inadequate, especially when I compared myself to friends who will be working at prestigious companies. Moving to San Francisco felt like entering life purgatory, where I was stuck between college and the real world.

I wish I could say that things got better when I arrived at the city, but they did not. Upon entering the hostel, I was expecting to be eagerly greeted by staff and fellow hostellers. Instead, I was left standing outside a locked door and I had to knock and be let in by the janitor. I then made eye contact with the two people sitting by the door and was offered no greeting. They stared back blankly at me, and the silence only broke when I asked them how I could check in. Only then did one of them get up and looked for Pierre, the staff member on duty.

Pierre checked me in and gave me a tour of Startup House. The tour gave me quite a shock as Startup House fell far below my expectations. Three months ago, I watched a video tour of the hostel under construction and now while walking around and seeing the disassembled furniture, cracked windows, dangling wires and exposed piping everywhere, it did not seem much progress was made. The worst part was seeing a bunch of people with headphones on staring at laptop screens, far from the eager and friendly hostellers I was expecting. Doubts about whether I had made the right choice began creeping into my mind. At one point, I even considered throwing in the towel, demanding a refund and moving back home.

After the initial panic, I fought back my feelings of doubt, recommitted to my hostel plan and started exploring the surrounding area. While walking the streets, the loneliness started creeping in and it dawned on me that I had no friends in San Francisco, just a few acquaintances. Suddenly the city seemed much less inviting and my thoughts once again turned towards home. “At least I would have family” I rationalized.

I walked around in circles for at least two hours before settling on a place to eat and while munching on a burger alone, I thought back to my first day in Shanghai, two years ago. Scared, unable to communicate and feeling completely alone, my first day in Shanghai was anything but fun. If it had not been for a pretty girl who tried her best to translate for me and then took me out to dinner, I do not know how I would have gotten through my first night in Shanghai. Snapping back to my lonely reality, where even though I was just an hour away from home and had no problems communicating with people around me, I somehow felt just as helpless as that first night in Shanghai. At that moment, I would have traded all of those comforts for another Jeanni to take me to dinner.

Feeling dejected after dinner, I wandered around looking for a bar that was showing the UFC fight and failed miserably. Feeling as if nothing about my first day in San Francisco was working out, I walked back to the hostel, where I got my first “Hello” from another hostller. Jonathan, the hosteller who greeted me, was no pretty girl, but at that point of the night I was going to take anything I could get. Immediately I struck up a conversation and even made plans to see the Pride parade with him the next day.

Things were finally starting to look up.

DGAF

If I had to sum up my last year in college it would be "Don't Give A Fuck" or DGAF for short. I have let friends, grades and inhibitions slip over the course of the year. In fact, the only thing I seem to care about these days is my work. Having a DGAF attitude about everything has set me free in a way that I have never felt before, but on the other has left me more cold and cynical.

The day that I no longer cared about school was probably around the time that I got rejected from the anthropology honors thesis program.  I was accepted the year before but because I was studying in Shanghai, and assured that my acceptance could be deferred till I came back from Shanghai.  While in Shanghai, I excitedly began to think about what I could write my thesis on and during the summer while working at a startup I finally figured it out. I decided I wanted to study entrepreneurialism as it married the theoretical with the practical.  I even began excitedly discussing the topic with people I met.  However, when the school year started and I emailed the anthropology adviser about signing up for the program (the same one who had assured me that I could defer my acceptance) I was told I would have to go through the vetting process again.  A little over a month later I was rejected. I felt absolutely betrayed.

UCSD from then on meant absolutely nothing to me.  I did the absolute bare minimum to pass all my classes, and even pushed the envelope on what I thought the bare minimum was.  The first quarter, I turned in a 6 out of a required 8 page paper, and that was after increasing the margins and font.  Consequently, I received a C- on the paper, which I was ecstatic about because I thought I was going to fail.  I dropped a course 3 weeks in as I did not want to take the midterm because it would be too much work. I skipped all of my classes except for the days that I absolutely had to go and course load for the whole year became what I normally took in one quarter.

As for family and friends, I cared less for them than ever before.  My mentality right now is "do what I want and everyone else be damned," and it is a pretty empowering feeling.  Suddenly, I no longer worry about what others think and this has led me to be more bold and blunt.    However, it is more than "living like you just don't care," I am living like nobody cares about me as well, which opens up a whole new world of risk taking and ruthlessness.  Living like nobody cares led me to burn a few bridges winter quarter because I was feeling that my life was getting stagnant and I needed to be forced to get new friends.  I got my shiny new friends, but there's a detached attitude to it all.  Leading me to admit that this year has left me colder and more cynical than before.

The additional free time I got from neglecting school and a lack of friends has been funneled into a lot of work, at one point in the year I held three jobs. Hands down, this has been the most productive year of college ever.  It has also been my most exciting and unique year in San Diego as I won 2nd place at a local startup event and went to Tijuana for Startup Weekend.  Many hours were spent on my professional blog too, leading to a product that I am quite proud of.

Work has become so much fun that it has frightened me a bit.  I am starting to base all of my self worth in terms of professional achievements.  There has been a clear shift in my desires.  Feelings of loneliness, thoughts of finding a girlfriend and developing meaningful friendships have been replaced.  Now I spend my day dreaming hours on how to attain money, respect and legacy all the while having fun.

Success is what I am pinning all my hopes of happiness on and it scares me to think I could fail.  What the hell am I going to do if I don't achieve it?  How am I going to be happy then?!

-muffinman

NYC Stories: Final Thoughts

Thoughts on the city

Before going to NYC, I had a very romanticized view of the city.  In my mind, San Francisco and NYC were the only two cities I wanted to live in after graduation.  After spending a week in the Big Apple, I have to scratch it off the list.  There are a couple of reasons for this:

1) There are seasons (aka it gets cold)
Even though I went to NYC for spring break, it was already too cold for me.  Wearing three to four layers for most of the year and bracing against the biting wind sounds like recipe for misery.  After enduring a record breaking cold winter in Shanghai, I have no more tolerance for the cold.  Happiness is life under the California sun, preferably in San Diego.  Seasons are completely overrated, because if it is perfect all year why fix something that is not broken?

2) Everything is expensive
I was experiencing sticker shock everywhere, as every meal seemed to run at least $10.  Things are expensive in San Francisco, but NYC definitely takes the cake.  The large presence of cash only shops is just further insult to injury as I have to physically see my wallet empty.

3) People are "blah"
There is something about the people in NYC.  I sense a certain coldness among them, it's something that I cannot really describe in a succinct word or phrase, but it makes me feel very uncomfortable and unwelcome in the city.  It's not that they are rude, though it comes off like that at times.  Rudeness does not bother me much after being pushed and shoved all around Shanghai, but something about a New Yorker's attitude does.  Watching New Yorkers weave through tourists, I get the impression that they feel anybody in their way is not just an inconvenience but a grave threat to their life.  I can feel the contempt whenever someone is inconvenienced.  I guess I could sum all these feelings up as "unfriendly" but that really does not do it justice.  I will just say that in all my travels to cities around the world, I have never had such an unsettling feeling about a populace.

Thoughts on Emoinacloset

Did Robocop and I satisfy our curiosity about Emoinacloset's life in NYC? Not really.

I did get glimpses of Emoinacloset's lifestyle that surprised me, like how he eats out for every meal.  Emoinacloset's kitchen trash can did not even have a bag over it, making me wonder if he ever used it! Despite spending almost every waking hour with Emoinacloset, there was no pivotal opening up moment where Robocop and I learned every one of  his deep dark secrets.  Outside of small talk, I found it hard to engage with Emoinacloset's friends.  The irony is that in NYC, Emoinacloset learned more about my friends, Crystal and Lucretia than I did about his.  

Emoinacloset's life in NYC is still very much a black box.

-muffinman

NYC Stories: Most Interesting Night

It's been almost two months since I left NYC, so why am I still writing about it?  Well, it's probably because events that happened that spring break still come up in my mind and make me smile and sometimes cringe.

Thursday night, after the Broadway musical was a night to remember.

The night started with drinking games with Emoinacloset's NYU friends.  While sitting in the giant drinking circle, I noticed that there was girl sitting across from me who seemed to be catching my gaze a bit too much for it to be a coincidence.  Suspicious that she was perhaps a little bit interested in me, I smiled back and made some small talk.  Later, my suspicions were confirmed at the bar where she grabbed my hand and motioned me to go to the back of the bar.  Unfortunately, I did not find her very attractive so I doubled back and rejoined Emoinacloset before heading to the back.

Once at the back of the bar, a drink fell from a table near me and a short, overweight Indian confronted me about me about knocking over his drink.  I vehemently denied it and the Indian turned to Robocop and told him "your bro knocked over my drink, we don't have a problem right now but we will."  A friend of Emoinacloset's  told Robocop to give me a $20 to buy the Indian a drink, of course, Robocop did not have anything in his wallet.  At this point, things were getting tense so remembering my Krav Maga, I dropped the girl's umbrella that I was carry on the floor and put my hands up as non threateningly as possible.  The Indian's friends were trying to tell him to just forget about the drink, but he insisted I pay for it and I was pretty certain that I had not knocked it over.  I contemplated throwing the first punch, there was no doubt that the Indian with his hands down and leaning back would get caught cleanly.  Thoughts of Ev, my Krav instructor telling us strike first stuck in my mind, but then I realized my night night would end right there and decided against it. Instead, I just walked away and sat down in another part of the bar waiting for the situation to diffuse.

While sitting down, I reflected on my sad situation.  Here I was away from my friends, running away from someone I most definitely could beat in a fight, thinking "fuck him" I rejoined my friends at the bar.  Once again, I was confronted by the Indian, but this time I was determined to not let him ruin my night.  I gave in to buying him a new drink, thinking that $10 was a small price to pay for an undisturbed night out.  As I approached the bar, the bartender was in the middle of telling everybody to move down and stop crowding the bar once they had gotten their drinks.  I quickly interrupted him and asked if he could speed up an order for a a rum and ginger ale as I was trying to get out of a fight.  The bartender poured me a shot of rum and told me it was on the house!  Having just experienced some good karma, I was feeling pretty good about turning the other cheek.  I took the shot back to the Indian, who promptly drank it, then I shook hands with him and his friends; and we agreed that everything was now "good."

I turned around to face my friends, but then felt a hand on my shoulder.  It was the Indian again!  He told me I had given him the wrong drink and demanded I buy him a ginger ale and Captain Morgan.  Incensed, I was in the process of loading up my right hand and it took all my self control to decide he was not worth it and walked to the other end of the bar.
     
Robocop found me at the front of the bar, later Emoinacloset and the girl who was hitting on me later appeared too.  I was still angry over the drink incident, cursing furiously and talking about how I should have taken that fight.  Emoinacloset assured me walking away was the right decision and when the girl questioned if I really could have fought the Indian, things took an interesting turn.  Suddenly, Emoinacloset became my wingman, he told the girl how I had been training Muay Thai, Krav Maga and BJJ for years! Somehow that segmented into how I was working at a startup and doing an amazing job.  In my mind, I laughed out loud over how ridiculous the conversation was getting, I think I saw a smile creep over Robocop's face as well.  Come to think of it, I don't think Emoinacloset even said all those things with a straight face.

Not sure if the girl was buying all the praise, but as the night wore on she definitely got more flirty.  She held on to my hand and according to Robocop at times looked like she wanted to kiss me.  At some point, she must have gotten tired of repeatedly shutting down her flirtations and stepped out to take a phone call, only to never to come back.

Back at the apartment, Emoinacloset and Robocop blasted me for not "sealing the deal."  I shot back that they would be giving me much more shit had I hooked up with her and they agreed, before once again jumping on me for not "sealing the deal."  While reflecting my first experience getting hit on, I realized that Robocop and I had been butchering her name the whole night.  It's hilarious to think that a girl flirted with me the whole night despite me calling her two different names, both of which were incorrect.

The next morning, I discovered that I had accidentally added the girl on Facebook and she had accepted.  The hilarity continued when we called a mutual friend who knew the girl and relayed my story.  Our mutual friend was not surprised and we learned that the girl did this kind of thing quite often.  The icing to this story happened back in San Diego, where the girl randomly messages me on Facebook and we actually had an hour long conversation without any awkwardness.  When I asked her about that night, she seemed to have little to no memory about it, something that was later confirmed by the mutual friend.

That's alright, because Emoinacloset, Robocop and I will be laughing about this for awhile.

-muffinman

NYC stories: THAT FB Message

I met probably the prettiest NYU girl from the whole trip on Wednesday night. Emoinacloset, Robocop and I were at a bar with some of Emoinacloset's NYU friends. Out of everybody in the groupm I noticed there was just one girl that I found attractive and I tried my best to talk to her. Unfortunately, as I have been discovering, I am not very adept at small talk, in fact, I think I might be downright terrible at it. I did not get openly shot down, mainly because I was not agressively pursuing her but a conversation never started as much as I had hoped. Honestly, I think I am better suited for long talks over coffee than chit chat at a bar.


Emoinacloset and Robocop both noticed my interest in her but I denied it. They kept bugging me about it for the rest of the trip. Things only escalated when I revealed that I had sent her this Facebook:

Needless to say, she did not respond. My reasoning for this ill conceived message was that I was better at writing than talking. Also for some reason at noon the next day I was feeling flirty. Initially, I had thought my Facebook message was pretty good, until I showed it to Emoinacloset and Robocop and they bluntly told me it was terrible and even a little creepy. "Bah!" I thought to myself! What do they know? They can't write for shit!" then we told a few other people about it and I heard "creepy" a few more times. By the end of the day, even I had to admit that it might have been a mistake.


Looking back at the message after coming back from New York, I cringe. I cannot even get myself to read the whole thing again (a sure sign of bad writing). My friend Diane, pointed out that it was chock full of one liners, which in retrospect is true. So much for good writing.


I should probably stick to blog writing for the foreseeable future. I am good at that right?

-muffinman

NYC Stories: Winning Big on Broadway!

Having done all the other touristy stuff, much of which is not worth mentioning, we were left with just one thing left that we absolutely had to do in NYC. Watch Broadway!

Unfortunately, like much of the trip, the unplanned execution went poorly. Initially, I had wanted Emoinacloset, Robocop and me to wake up early and get discounted same day tickets in the Financial District, but sleeping at four in the morning has a tendency to make one wake up past eleven. Upon oversleeping, we changed up our plans and headed to Times Square with all the other tourists and lined up at the TKTS booth.

30 minutes in line and a lot of smartphone research later, Emoinacloset suggested we go directly to the theater box offices and get student tickets. The big risk, however, was that these significantly cheaper student tickets could be long sold out already. Feeling the emptiness of my bank account I decided to take the risk.

Our first stop was the Book of Mormon, a musical written by the creators of South Park. At the box office, they told us that did they do not sell student tickets but instead did a drawing for steeply discounted tickets at 5:30pm instead. We left the theatre a bit hesitant about leaving our hopes of seeing Broadway to chance, so we tried our luck at Chicago, but were told that student tickets were sold out within 15 minutes of the box office opening. Leaving Chicago, we realized that the drawing was the only way we were going to watch anything that day. As if it could improve our chances, I loudly yelled out "I AM FEELING LUCKY!” as we walked away from the theater.

Coming back to the Book of Mormon 15 minutes before the drawing, we were feeling very enthusiastic about our chances. There was a line with about 30 people so we thought our chances of winning were pretty good, then we realized that this was the line for standing tickets and the ever growing crowd in front of the main doors was for the drawing. When we saw the size of the crowd which eventually topped out at a little over a hundred people, our hearts sank and any feeling of luck was gone. We filled out our forms and nervously waited.

There was a man with a megaphone announcing the winners and he asked people to "act like they won something" if their ticket was drawn. We took that to heart and when Robocop won, he cheered as obnoxiously as possible. Robocop even hollered the entire time he swam his way through the crowd to get to the ticket office.

While Robocop was waiting to get his ticket, Emoinacloset and I were brainstorming about what to do next. Robocop could only get 2 tickets meaning that one of us would have to grab a standing seat and be separated from the group. We were both thinking of a fair way to decide who should be left out when Emoinacloset's ticket was drawn.

Hearing Emoinacloset's name, I just remember repeatedly screaming "OH SHIT! THIS IS RIDICULOUS" and jumping up and down as the crowd stared. I had just taken our obnoxious cheering to the next level. Thankfully, Emoinacloset wised up and took the door that the crowd was not blocking, minimizing his chances of getting assaulted.

 Inside the box office, Emoinacloset told me he overheard an old couple that was standing in front of us, angrily say they had entered the drawing three times and never won. Later, we learned from a mutual friend that the show was sold out for months! Hearing all of that just made winning all the sweeter.

Immediately after getting the tickets, we camera whored it up, taking multiple pictures in front of the theater. We even went back to the theater after walking a block away because I had the brilliant idea of tebowing with the tickets.

The musical was great, but I have to say winning those tickets was even better. This was easily the high point of our NYC trip and a definite “life moment” that I will remember forever.

Spring Break in NYC

There is a sense of anticipation as the clock ticks down to our arrival time to New York. It is a trip that has been talked about for years between the three musketeers (Emoinacloset, Robocop and me). Now on our last year of college, our New York trip is finally happening.

Getting here was hard, we came close to pulling the trigger on it back in sophomore year, but Robocop ruined it to register for classes at SJSU. Many times during this winter quarter there was lots of talk about buying tickets but never a firm commitment. Finally in a moment of conviction in February, I tracked Robocop down and we bought the tickets together while on the phone. After buying the tickets, there were more trials when Robocop unwittingly invited some people without asking me or Emoinacloset about it. I ended up having to be the bad guy and inform them that I wanted this to be an exclusive three musketeers trip and they were not welcome.

So now I am on the plane sitting next to Robocop, traveling with the bare minimum of necessities. In my backpack are half a week's worth of clothes, an iPad, around $500 and close to no travel plans. I am crossing my fingers that everything will work out.

More than just exploring NYC, the goal of this trip is to finally see Emoinacloset's life. As a very closed off person, Robocop and I know next to nothing about Emoinacloset's habits, haunts and friends in the city. This trip will hopefully answer a lot of questions.

Living it up

I was on Whatsapp talking to Yanjia about the trials and tribulations of being single, when I learned that she had never fallen head over heels for someone. I was greatly saddened to have heard that all her relationships have been the "okay maybe we can try it out" type. Thinking back, I realize that I actually have quite a few friends who never been swept off their feet.

Perhaps I just like to be dramatic, but the thought of never having..

- Day dreamed about all the dates, happiness, laughter and warmth that would happen with her
- Overanalyzed every spoken word, text, IM, facebook post and in person interaction for clues about whether she likes me
- Agonized over every word of a text (does she like me?), the time between texts (why is she taking so long to reply?! Is she seeing someone else?!?!) and when to reply (Wait more than 15 seconds to respond so I don't seem like I have been waiting for her text all day)
- Nervously counted down the minutes till every meeting, wondering how to impress while not being awkward or making a fool of myself.
- Driven my friends crazy because she is all I can talk about.
- Died trying to decide whether to reveal my feelings and risk alienating a friend forever.

... well that just wouldn't be living!

-muffinman

Stressing and other things

The last few months have been sort of a stressful blur. I managed to take on 2 volunteer positions, a role in a student organization and of course my real job at the startup. Also, I am taking two classes, which of course I am blowing off, but they do require some effort to pass and as of currently even passing seems to be a problem. Most of the time it has been enjoyable though the stress does get to me periodically.

At its worse the stress manifests itself as an emptiness in my chest. A sense of helplessness takes over and sometimes it even feels like I am struggling for breath. I always find that breath and have been soldiering on with it. Though, I keep questioning how long I can keep it all together.

This is especially true for my job at Wednesdays. Week after week I run all the meals, with very minimal supervision or guidance. It's a roller coaster ride as I nervously watch the number of acceptances climb to the minimum number that is needed for the meal to happen. Tuesday, the day before the lunch, I make the reservations and make sure all the restaurants know what they are supposed to be doing. Wednesday, I pray everything goes smoothly, that everybody has their reservation and no lunch slipped through the cracks. Thursday, I wake up scared of my phone and computer, afraid of the call or email that tells me I messed up big time. A sigh of relief, as Thursday ends and I realize I made it through another week. Friday morning, everything starts building up again as I start prepping for the next week of lunches.

Looking back, I am baffled at how I have not once irreparably screwed up. Looking forward, I wonder how my perfect streak could possibly continue.

Usually, my co-workers are there to give me a sense of security. However, as the weekly conference calls with team have repeatedly fallen through, I have been feeling disconnected from the team. Seems like it's harder to get everybody together for the call when we don't have an office anymore.

Back in San Diego things are not much better. Losing Ashley H. and Sarah has put huge holes in my support network. Kevin is once again completely engrossed in his computer games and refusing most of my attempts to hang out outside the apartment, not that he was much of an emotional support anyway. It's been impossible to get a hold of Ashley L. as she's been preoccupied with school, work and her Christian group. I started the quarter off hanging out with Shari a lot, however, she has since been gobbled up by school work. Also, I have a hard time connecting with her as we live worlds apart.

That leaves me with just Diane, who I see fairly often and is a great friend, but once again, there is just something about her that keeps her from becoming a true rock that I can anchor onto. Recently, there has been An, a girl I used to know back when I worked at the TV station. An has been great fun, as we geek out awesomely together. Almost all of our conversations center around tech and startups! We have the most lively debates and discussions that just makes the time fly by.

However, as much fun as I am having with An, what I am really need is some emotional support. And right now, it feels like I am grasping at straws.

-muffinman

2012 New Year's Resolutions

When I heard that Jeanni and her friends were making up new year's resolutions for each other, I thought that was such a great idea that I promptly took it to the coffee group.

After some lively conversation,here's what we came up with:

Robocop
Find a hobby and stick with it
From Kungfu to dancing, Robocop's past is littered with abandoned pursuits. No hobby or interest ever seemed to stick except perhaps watching Youtube videos. That is why Emoinacloset and I decided it was important for Robocop to find a hobby this year. Not to mention, it would be better for his health and make him more interesting.

Find 3 viable career interests
It used to be that if I asked Robocop what he wanted to do after college, he would noncommitally reply with medical school. Now he has regressed to having no clue about the future, a problem with graduation coming up. Over the year, Robocop resolves to find three viable career interests, and by viable, I mean something that he could actually see himself happily doing.

Discover pride in himself
A couple of months ago, Robocop told me that he was not happy with who he was because he was not living up to his potential. I was a bit taken aback when I heard this because he had quite a few enviable accomplishments under his belt. It quickly became apparent that Robocop's problem was not his lack of achievement but rather his inability to appreciate them. The last and perhaps most important resolution for Robocop this year will be for him to find pride in himself.

Emoinacloset
Find a girlfriend
It is hard to believe that Emoinacloset has never had a girlfriend in his life. The last year of college seems like the best time to get past this milestone. Next new year's day we hope to see Emoinacloset spending it with a significant other. Of course resolving this will depend on his next resolution...

Learn to be vulnerable to others
Last year, we learned from Emoinacloset that he has a hard time opening up to others. This was of course no surprise given how whenever we talk about feelings in the coffee group, Emoinacloset has little to add. What was a surprise though was that this inability to be vulnerable was the reason for why he was still single. Leaving one's self open to getting hurt is not easy, but Emoinacloset is getting a whole year to figure it out and we are sure he will.

Find a hobby and stick with it
For the same reasons as Robocop. This resolution is even more pressing for Emoinacloset because he has never really pursued any interests.

Develop skill that would be useful for adventuring
Over the break, we spent an extraordinary amount of time together, which led to some lively debates about what skills we would bring to the group in the event of a zombie apocalypse or Tin-Tin like adventure. Robocop had the EMT skills and I had the martial arts and weapons! Emoinacloset on the other hand, even after much soul searching could not come up with anything.

In order for this coffee group to go on adventures like treasure hunting, Emoinacloset is going to have to develop a practical skill this year. Personally, I am hoping he learns Arabic because I would love to treasure hunt in Egypt.

Muffinman
Learn to be alone
If you know me even a little bit, you will notice that I am rarely alone. The reason being that I absolutely cannot stand being by myself. My day just does not feel complete unless I have had some significant human interaction. I have been told by the coffee group that this is not healthy, which is why they stuck this resolution of "Learn to be alone" on me.

Find a girlfriend
Because this shows up every year and every year it never happens.

-muffinman

Wish me luck

In the last three months much has happened in terms of friends, little of which was talked about in this blog.  So let’s start filling you all in.

Abroad, my friend situation is simply amazing.  Thanks to Whatsapp, a messaging app on my iPhone, I have managed to keep up with a lot of my friends that I made while in Shanghai, nearly all of whom reside across Asia.  Through text messages and pictures, I have rebuilt my relationship with Jeanni who provides with me words of confidence at just the right times.  Yanjia, who I barely talked to in Shanghai now periodically blows up my phone.  It is amazing how things have grown since I came back to California.  However, everything pales in comparison to how I managed to convince my Singaporean friend Wan Ching to come to the states for her grad trip.  She is arriving in San Diego in less than two weeks, driving from Washington DC and to say that I am excited about her visit would be an understatement.

On the home front, things have not fared as well.  I managed to lose two old friends in the same week due to petty arguments, the result of which has made me the question my significance to them.  The situation sucks, but I have never been averse to putting myself out there to get hurt and that is not going to stop now.  Kathy, the only new friend I made last quarter has graduated and gone back to Long Beach, meaning no more screaming mock fights or alcohol fueled study nights for the foreseeable future.  Furthermore, reconnecting with Ashley L. has stalled due to her continuously diminishing amount of free time. 

A silver lining to all of this bad news at home, is that I have gotten a lot of closer to Robocop.  His family moved to Korea last year, leaving him with no home for the holidays.  I offered him the floor in my room and he gladly accepted for the Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks.  The result has been the most fun that I have ever had on the holidays.  Jokes and loud laughter abound whenever we are together, in addition, he gets along with my family meaning that I do not have to.  Over the last month, we have become frighteningly comfortable with each other and though living with Robocop has revealed a great many annoying quirks that I never knew about, I can honestly say now that I am confident we will be friends for life.       

Tomorrow, I am returning to a lonelier San Diego with fewer friends than I started with.  Not a new phenomenon, but a definite sign that I am going to need to be more social this quarter and make more friends.  

  

Wish me luck.

-muffinman 

Missing Piece

Sometimes I stay up thinking about how she might look like.  Usually this occurs in the wee hours of the morning, when everyone is asleep.  My mind throws around familiar faces and features.  "She will have big eyes!" I declare in my mind, "like the kind that you get lost in."   "Definitely Asian" I muse to myself, "well, maybe..." I think to myself as I try to imagine myself with a white girl.  Thought about her appearance shift to ones about her personality.  

"She must be good with kids!" I exclaim, "that's always attractive."  "Must be much nicer than me!" because really who wants to date someone mean?  "Very forgiving!" I realize, "or else the relationship would be really short because I mess up a lot!"  "Passionate about something," so I can take inspiration from her.  "Possess an inner strength," I abhor push overs.  "Most important of all I must be able to take comfort in her," when I hold her hand I will know everything will be alright.  

These series of thoughts always end with the wish that she comes soon. 

It is hard to explain to my friends why I feel so strongly about this.  They just see it as me being desperate, something that occurs after having been out of a relationship for so many years, but I would like to think it is more than that.  Whenever I mention the word "girlfriend" people tend to conjures up the idea that I just want a girl in my arms to cuddle and such.  My mom once asked me why I even needed a girlfriend if I had good friends because as she explained, aside from the physical stuff it was the same thing.  At the time, the best answer I could give her was that it was just "different" and that is the answer I gave not because I did not know any better, but rather because it was too embarrassing to elaborate on. 

My life fluctuates between highs and lows quite frequently.  It is always the same story, I find something new and commit myself whole heartedly to it because it excites and entertains me.  After a while, the excitement wears off and I find myself at a low point, where there is an emptiness that I cannot fill.  Whatever I was doing because it was fun, I am now doing because it passes the time and it keeps me from feeling the emptiness.  The selfishness of everything I am doing weighs more and more as the entertainment factor gets less and less.  When I reach rock bottom, I do something drastic to start the cycle again.

The accomplishments that I strive for feel empty because I feel that I have nobody to share them with.  I question whether people share in my happiness.  If I achieve something of great value for myself, are my friends genuinely happy for me? The answer I keep coming up with is "No" because I do not feel it myself.  This leads me to constantly question how much people care about me.  Sometimes, I wonder how much people would mind if I disappeared.

All of this leads me to confess that a large part of me wants to care for someone.  To do things because of someone, because I am tired of doing things for myself.  While in Shanghai, Jeanni once told me that once you met Gift (our mutual friend) you just wanted to protect her.  The idea of wanting to protect someone was one that I was all too familiar with, and a feeling that I craved.  There is a certain satisfaction that comes from taking care of someone.  It is not the smile on someone's face or their kind words, but rather the feeling that you are needed.  The idea that I exist to make someone truly happy, well that’s just the missing piece to break the cycle.

-muffiman