2012 New Year's Resolutions

When I heard that Jeanni and her friends were making up new year's resolutions for each other, I thought that was such a great idea that I promptly took it to the coffee group.

After some lively conversation,here's what we came up with:

Robocop
Find a hobby and stick with it
From Kungfu to dancing, Robocop's past is littered with abandoned pursuits. No hobby or interest ever seemed to stick except perhaps watching Youtube videos. That is why Emoinacloset and I decided it was important for Robocop to find a hobby this year. Not to mention, it would be better for his health and make him more interesting.

Find 3 viable career interests
It used to be that if I asked Robocop what he wanted to do after college, he would noncommitally reply with medical school. Now he has regressed to having no clue about the future, a problem with graduation coming up. Over the year, Robocop resolves to find three viable career interests, and by viable, I mean something that he could actually see himself happily doing.

Discover pride in himself
A couple of months ago, Robocop told me that he was not happy with who he was because he was not living up to his potential. I was a bit taken aback when I heard this because he had quite a few enviable accomplishments under his belt. It quickly became apparent that Robocop's problem was not his lack of achievement but rather his inability to appreciate them. The last and perhaps most important resolution for Robocop this year will be for him to find pride in himself.

Emoinacloset
Find a girlfriend
It is hard to believe that Emoinacloset has never had a girlfriend in his life. The last year of college seems like the best time to get past this milestone. Next new year's day we hope to see Emoinacloset spending it with a significant other. Of course resolving this will depend on his next resolution...

Learn to be vulnerable to others
Last year, we learned from Emoinacloset that he has a hard time opening up to others. This was of course no surprise given how whenever we talk about feelings in the coffee group, Emoinacloset has little to add. What was a surprise though was that this inability to be vulnerable was the reason for why he was still single. Leaving one's self open to getting hurt is not easy, but Emoinacloset is getting a whole year to figure it out and we are sure he will.

Find a hobby and stick with it
For the same reasons as Robocop. This resolution is even more pressing for Emoinacloset because he has never really pursued any interests.

Develop skill that would be useful for adventuring
Over the break, we spent an extraordinary amount of time together, which led to some lively debates about what skills we would bring to the group in the event of a zombie apocalypse or Tin-Tin like adventure. Robocop had the EMT skills and I had the martial arts and weapons! Emoinacloset on the other hand, even after much soul searching could not come up with anything.

In order for this coffee group to go on adventures like treasure hunting, Emoinacloset is going to have to develop a practical skill this year. Personally, I am hoping he learns Arabic because I would love to treasure hunt in Egypt.

Muffinman
Learn to be alone
If you know me even a little bit, you will notice that I am rarely alone. The reason being that I absolutely cannot stand being by myself. My day just does not feel complete unless I have had some significant human interaction. I have been told by the coffee group that this is not healthy, which is why they stuck this resolution of "Learn to be alone" on me.

Find a girlfriend
Because this shows up every year and every year it never happens.

-muffinman

Wish me luck

In the last three months much has happened in terms of friends, little of which was talked about in this blog.  So let’s start filling you all in.

Abroad, my friend situation is simply amazing.  Thanks to Whatsapp, a messaging app on my iPhone, I have managed to keep up with a lot of my friends that I made while in Shanghai, nearly all of whom reside across Asia.  Through text messages and pictures, I have rebuilt my relationship with Jeanni who provides with me words of confidence at just the right times.  Yanjia, who I barely talked to in Shanghai now periodically blows up my phone.  It is amazing how things have grown since I came back to California.  However, everything pales in comparison to how I managed to convince my Singaporean friend Wan Ching to come to the states for her grad trip.  She is arriving in San Diego in less than two weeks, driving from Washington DC and to say that I am excited about her visit would be an understatement.

On the home front, things have not fared as well.  I managed to lose two old friends in the same week due to petty arguments, the result of which has made me the question my significance to them.  The situation sucks, but I have never been averse to putting myself out there to get hurt and that is not going to stop now.  Kathy, the only new friend I made last quarter has graduated and gone back to Long Beach, meaning no more screaming mock fights or alcohol fueled study nights for the foreseeable future.  Furthermore, reconnecting with Ashley L. has stalled due to her continuously diminishing amount of free time. 

A silver lining to all of this bad news at home, is that I have gotten a lot of closer to Robocop.  His family moved to Korea last year, leaving him with no home for the holidays.  I offered him the floor in my room and he gladly accepted for the Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks.  The result has been the most fun that I have ever had on the holidays.  Jokes and loud laughter abound whenever we are together, in addition, he gets along with my family meaning that I do not have to.  Over the last month, we have become frighteningly comfortable with each other and though living with Robocop has revealed a great many annoying quirks that I never knew about, I can honestly say now that I am confident we will be friends for life.       

Tomorrow, I am returning to a lonelier San Diego with fewer friends than I started with.  Not a new phenomenon, but a definite sign that I am going to need to be more social this quarter and make more friends.  

  

Wish me luck.

-muffinman 

Missing Piece

Sometimes I stay up thinking about how she might look like.  Usually this occurs in the wee hours of the morning, when everyone is asleep.  My mind throws around familiar faces and features.  "She will have big eyes!" I declare in my mind, "like the kind that you get lost in."   "Definitely Asian" I muse to myself, "well, maybe..." I think to myself as I try to imagine myself with a white girl.  Thought about her appearance shift to ones about her personality.  

"She must be good with kids!" I exclaim, "that's always attractive."  "Must be much nicer than me!" because really who wants to date someone mean?  "Very forgiving!" I realize, "or else the relationship would be really short because I mess up a lot!"  "Passionate about something," so I can take inspiration from her.  "Possess an inner strength," I abhor push overs.  "Most important of all I must be able to take comfort in her," when I hold her hand I will know everything will be alright.  

These series of thoughts always end with the wish that she comes soon. 

It is hard to explain to my friends why I feel so strongly about this.  They just see it as me being desperate, something that occurs after having been out of a relationship for so many years, but I would like to think it is more than that.  Whenever I mention the word "girlfriend" people tend to conjures up the idea that I just want a girl in my arms to cuddle and such.  My mom once asked me why I even needed a girlfriend if I had good friends because as she explained, aside from the physical stuff it was the same thing.  At the time, the best answer I could give her was that it was just "different" and that is the answer I gave not because I did not know any better, but rather because it was too embarrassing to elaborate on. 

My life fluctuates between highs and lows quite frequently.  It is always the same story, I find something new and commit myself whole heartedly to it because it excites and entertains me.  After a while, the excitement wears off and I find myself at a low point, where there is an emptiness that I cannot fill.  Whatever I was doing because it was fun, I am now doing because it passes the time and it keeps me from feeling the emptiness.  The selfishness of everything I am doing weighs more and more as the entertainment factor gets less and less.  When I reach rock bottom, I do something drastic to start the cycle again.

The accomplishments that I strive for feel empty because I feel that I have nobody to share them with.  I question whether people share in my happiness.  If I achieve something of great value for myself, are my friends genuinely happy for me? The answer I keep coming up with is "No" because I do not feel it myself.  This leads me to constantly question how much people care about me.  Sometimes, I wonder how much people would mind if I disappeared.

All of this leads me to confess that a large part of me wants to care for someone.  To do things because of someone, because I am tired of doing things for myself.  While in Shanghai, Jeanni once told me that once you met Gift (our mutual friend) you just wanted to protect her.  The idea of wanting to protect someone was one that I was all too familiar with, and a feeling that I craved.  There is a certain satisfaction that comes from taking care of someone.  It is not the smile on someone's face or their kind words, but rather the feeling that you are needed.  The idea that I exist to make someone truly happy, well that’s just the missing piece to break the cycle.

-muffiman