Wish me luck

In the last three months much has happened in terms of friends, little of which was talked about in this blog.  So let’s start filling you all in.

Abroad, my friend situation is simply amazing.  Thanks to Whatsapp, a messaging app on my iPhone, I have managed to keep up with a lot of my friends that I made while in Shanghai, nearly all of whom reside across Asia.  Through text messages and pictures, I have rebuilt my relationship with Jeanni who provides with me words of confidence at just the right times.  Yanjia, who I barely talked to in Shanghai now periodically blows up my phone.  It is amazing how things have grown since I came back to California.  However, everything pales in comparison to how I managed to convince my Singaporean friend Wan Ching to come to the states for her grad trip.  She is arriving in San Diego in less than two weeks, driving from Washington DC and to say that I am excited about her visit would be an understatement.

On the home front, things have not fared as well.  I managed to lose two old friends in the same week due to petty arguments, the result of which has made me the question my significance to them.  The situation sucks, but I have never been averse to putting myself out there to get hurt and that is not going to stop now.  Kathy, the only new friend I made last quarter has graduated and gone back to Long Beach, meaning no more screaming mock fights or alcohol fueled study nights for the foreseeable future.  Furthermore, reconnecting with Ashley L. has stalled due to her continuously diminishing amount of free time. 

A silver lining to all of this bad news at home, is that I have gotten a lot of closer to Robocop.  His family moved to Korea last year, leaving him with no home for the holidays.  I offered him the floor in my room and he gladly accepted for the Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks.  The result has been the most fun that I have ever had on the holidays.  Jokes and loud laughter abound whenever we are together, in addition, he gets along with my family meaning that I do not have to.  Over the last month, we have become frighteningly comfortable with each other and though living with Robocop has revealed a great many annoying quirks that I never knew about, I can honestly say now that I am confident we will be friends for life.       

Tomorrow, I am returning to a lonelier San Diego with fewer friends than I started with.  Not a new phenomenon, but a definite sign that I am going to need to be more social this quarter and make more friends.  

  

Wish me luck.

-muffinman 

Missing Piece

Sometimes I stay up thinking about how she might look like.  Usually this occurs in the wee hours of the morning, when everyone is asleep.  My mind throws around familiar faces and features.  "She will have big eyes!" I declare in my mind, "like the kind that you get lost in."   "Definitely Asian" I muse to myself, "well, maybe..." I think to myself as I try to imagine myself with a white girl.  Thought about her appearance shift to ones about her personality.  

"She must be good with kids!" I exclaim, "that's always attractive."  "Must be much nicer than me!" because really who wants to date someone mean?  "Very forgiving!" I realize, "or else the relationship would be really short because I mess up a lot!"  "Passionate about something," so I can take inspiration from her.  "Possess an inner strength," I abhor push overs.  "Most important of all I must be able to take comfort in her," when I hold her hand I will know everything will be alright.  

These series of thoughts always end with the wish that she comes soon. 

It is hard to explain to my friends why I feel so strongly about this.  They just see it as me being desperate, something that occurs after having been out of a relationship for so many years, but I would like to think it is more than that.  Whenever I mention the word "girlfriend" people tend to conjures up the idea that I just want a girl in my arms to cuddle and such.  My mom once asked me why I even needed a girlfriend if I had good friends because as she explained, aside from the physical stuff it was the same thing.  At the time, the best answer I could give her was that it was just "different" and that is the answer I gave not because I did not know any better, but rather because it was too embarrassing to elaborate on. 

My life fluctuates between highs and lows quite frequently.  It is always the same story, I find something new and commit myself whole heartedly to it because it excites and entertains me.  After a while, the excitement wears off and I find myself at a low point, where there is an emptiness that I cannot fill.  Whatever I was doing because it was fun, I am now doing because it passes the time and it keeps me from feeling the emptiness.  The selfishness of everything I am doing weighs more and more as the entertainment factor gets less and less.  When I reach rock bottom, I do something drastic to start the cycle again.

The accomplishments that I strive for feel empty because I feel that I have nobody to share them with.  I question whether people share in my happiness.  If I achieve something of great value for myself, are my friends genuinely happy for me? The answer I keep coming up with is "No" because I do not feel it myself.  This leads me to constantly question how much people care about me.  Sometimes, I wonder how much people would mind if I disappeared.

All of this leads me to confess that a large part of me wants to care for someone.  To do things because of someone, because I am tired of doing things for myself.  While in Shanghai, Jeanni once told me that once you met Gift (our mutual friend) you just wanted to protect her.  The idea of wanting to protect someone was one that I was all too familiar with, and a feeling that I craved.  There is a certain satisfaction that comes from taking care of someone.  It is not the smile on someone's face or their kind words, but rather the feeling that you are needed.  The idea that I exist to make someone truly happy, well that’s just the missing piece to break the cycle.

-muffiman

Pride in my friend

I have been writing a lot of negative entries lately, due to melancholy streak I have been experiencing lately.  This entry seeks to change this up.  Positive and praising posts are just too rare on this blog.

While talking to Ashley H. about people who are proud of me, or rather a lack thereof, she asked me if I was proud of any of my friends.  The question caught me off guard, as I had never thought of having pride in my friends before.  I mulled the question over in my mind before coming up with an unlikely answer. 

There is pride to be had in this friend because of the way he changed.  He reaffirms my belief in the plasticity humanity and gives me hope that I can continue to change as well.  Thinking about how he has grown gives me pause.

Eric

Back in high school, I used to make fun of Eric for having no personality.  He was always the nice guy who was content on just going with the flow. Even though I had no vested interest in his ambitions, it inexplicably bothered me that he had none.  I just could not understand how someone could be so passive and yet be so content. 

Sometime in college, that all changed when Eric joined some business fraternity.  He started wanting to change things because he was unsatisfied with how they were.  In the beginning, the ambition was weak, he used to tell me a laundry list of problems about his fraternity, but when it came to solutions he was never willing to put in the effort.  As time went by, that gradually changed.  Eric took up increasingly more important leadership roles within his fraternity leading to bigger commitments and achievements. Whenever I saw Eric back at home, he seemed a little more confident, standing a just that little bit taller each time.

Most impressive of all is how Eric managed to do it all his own way.  He did not turn into a dick or fake as so many do when they take up leadership positions.  Eric is still that nice and chill guy that I remember from high school.  I seriously think he bullies people into doing things with his niceness and that is something to be respected. 

UCSD Characters

Ashley

I wish I had a better picture!

Different Ashley this time around, since my usual rock is currently studying abroad in England.  Cheery, Christian, sweet, exceedingly considerate, humble and possessing one of the most heartwarming smiles I have ever seen, this Ashley is my new foil. 

Fortunately, Ashley and I do have similarities, namely a penchant for spontaneous acts.  Ashley has become my go to girl for this quarter, joining me on numerous spontaneous acts.  Whether it would be something mischievous like sneaking out to the cliffs to see the bioluminescence or monotonous as grabbing lunch, she is always available and game.

Funny thing about me spending almost every other day with Ashley these days is that upon first seeing her at UCSD, I was intent on avoiding her.  I considered someone from my past that was best left there.  Only through her persistence in trying to say hello to me, did we manage to reconnect as friends.  And for that I am incredibly grateful because this quarter would be lacking a lot of life without her.

Kevin

We sleep in the same room

Roommate chronicles are back!  I have lived with Kevin every year that I have been at UCSD and one thing I have learned is that the hilarity never stops with him.  Already this quarter, Kevin has missed his midterm after not knowing it got rescheduled and gone to the ER for an ear infection (five days before he told me that he was losing hearing in his left ear and I responded by telling him to get that checked out) then grazed a runner’s leg with his car due to excruciating pain.   

Living with Kevin has made me remember how awesome having a roommate is as it definitely keeps the loneliness at bay and provides great stories.  Kevin and I picked up where we left off sophomore year and our friendship has continued to grow.   These days, we even cook together regularly, though by cooking, I mean that he cuts and washes the vegetables.  Sometimes it seems a little gay sometimes when we are in the kitchen together, but I tell everybody anyway because it makes me feel impressive.  An added bonus is that telling annoys Kevin because apparently, he has a straight image to keep up.      

Sarah

A missed connection in high school, Sarah and I became good friends in college to the surprise of many.  There seemingly always needs to be a devout Christian in my group of friends and Sarah has been that friend for a very long time.  Exceptionally awkward and clueless, Sarah is a goldmine burst out loud laughing moments.  Paired with all of Sarah’s peculiarities is a big heart and sweet personality that leads her to try to help all those in need.     

Sarah and I seem to have gotten closer after my period in Shanghai.  She used to tell me how terrible it was that she lost her closest friend at UCSD.  Unfortunately, upon my return to UCSD, Sarah has become impossibly hard to hang out with due to her devotion to her studies and terrible communication skills. Every year, it seems I am able to spend less and less time with her.

Kathy

We have too much fun together so we have to work apart

Loud, obnoxious and crass, Kathy is the most violent friend I have ever had and this includes guys too.  Almost every time we meet up there is punching, pinching and a lot of smack talk.  The night before the midterm, we ended up wrestling around the apartment and at one point Kathy tried to choke me with both of her hands on my neck.  Needless to say, hanging out with Kathy is a blast and always full of loud laughter. 

Kathy is the only completely new character this quarter and I met her in my language and culture class.  Sadly, she is graduating this quarter so this friendship has all the signs of being short lived. 

Diane

I left for Shanghai with Diane furious at me after having ditched meeting her because she was with her boyfriend.  Thankfully, old friends die hard and we have reconnected since I got back.  Diane is kind of a contradictory character in my eyes.  She complains and stresses quite often but yet still manages to maintain the image of being relaxed, as if nothing fazes her.        

Meeting up with her tends to bring a calming effect to my day.  We spend most of our time conversing about every aspect of our lives over copious amounts of coffee (as evidenced by the 6 cups I drank today and the reason I am writing this post at 5 in the morning).  However, there never seems to be enough time to finish our conversation.