Being relatively alone in Shanghai has given me a lot of time to reflect. I thought I would be able to distract myself by hanging out with Jeanni, but a couple of days ago she told me that I should make new friends. Later, Jeanni revealed to me that she had met a new interest, so what I think she really meant to say was that I should make new friends because she would not have much less time for me in the near future. However, my lack of time with Jeanni is not what this post is about, but how without her I am back to facing the firing squad.
The last few days, I have been waking up in the morning with a great weight on my heart. An empty and numb feeling has taken root in my chest. I have lost my appetite, eating about one meal a day and have not gotten a good night’s sleep the past few days. No longer able to keep my head up, my eyes drift to ground as I walk around town. When left to my own devices, I keep getting lost in cycles of increasingly sad thoughts that always arrive at the fact that I have not grown as much as I would like to believe.
Stuck in an unflattering time is how I would describe my current personal development. For the most part, I believe that I have grown far beyond my own expectations. When I look at my professional development, I see that I have a great network as well, experience that I am proud of and even some noteworthy skills. Socially, I have come a long way from my days in high school. No longer too awkward to approach strangers, I have become adept at making fast friends. In addition, I have an amazing bunch of friends who would do anything to help me. The life that I put together for myself over the last few years, speaks volumes for how much I have grown up. However, there are still some major insecurities that have remained unresolved as long as I can remember and their impact on my confidence grows with age.
Meeting with a senior executive? Not a problem. Talking to a prominent politician and role model? Always done with an unwavering smile. Facing down a flurry of punches from someone twice my size? Just tuck my chin and take it in stride. However, ask me to introduce myself to that beautiful girl over there? And suddenly, you will find me stumbling with my words and quaking in my shoes. Remember Ellie? Chances were that I would have never talked to her had she not talked to me first. As for Jeanni, I sat in my for room for about twenty minutes before gathering enough courage to walk back outside and hopefully run into her. When friends ask me if I would ever do a one night stand, I jokingly tell them that the question does not apply to me because I move much too slowly to hook up. Yes, yours truly is terribly insecure, lacking in confidence and deathly afraid of rejection when it comes to approaching girls, and that is something that has not changed since high school. I am still that awkward boy that would do anything for the girl of his dreams except admit his feelings for her.
The insecurities and lack of confidence with girls, however, points to a larger problem I have. I often try to portray an image of bravado, as evidenced by the many dumb and half thought out risks that I take. For better or for worse, this bravado attitude has worked out for me, but upholding this image to myself and others is proving to be more and more detrimental. The most damning example, is my outright rejection of things that I find embarrassing, namely and singing and dancing. Forget anything you have heard from me about not being able to handle the lights, sounds and crowds of the clubs. The real reason I have never gone is because I never learned to dance and as soon as I step inside a club, I will not be able to hold my already shaky confidence together to try to learn. This fear has led me to miss out on a number of outings with friends. It kills me when I let my insecurity control me and I turn down the UC kids’ invitation to go head out to Phebe’s or more recently Jeanni’s invitation to M1nt. Time and time again, part of me tells me to let go, but a larger part tells me I cannot.
Going forward, I see two very simple choices. I can either keep going along with business as usual, which is the safe and secure route, but guarantees many more moments where I will hate myself. On the flip side, I can face my fears and insecurities head on. Easier said than done, this second choice is fraught with potential embarrassment. Facing one’s deepest fears requires strength of character that I do not think I currently possess. Whichever choice I decide to make, I know I need to grow up enough so that I do find myself holding onto Jeanni’s hand for comfort like a child whenever these insecurities surface. I may not completely conquer these insecurities, but I need to at least bury or solve them enough to feel as I have grown since high school.
-muffinman
