Eat All The Dicks

It was finals season, a time when people panic and suddenly realize not going to class and not taking notes for the past semester might really hurt them when they take the final exam. One of my good friends got bombarded by forty or so mass emails asking all their classmates for their notes. However, one person in his class eventually got so fed up with the begging and the whining, she felt compelled to write an impassioned, bitchy letter directed to the people who had been spamming her inbox for the past week.


To my dearest classmates,

This is addressed to all of you have been bombarding our inboxes with desperate cries for notes. If you haven't got notes by now, you are pretty much screwed for the exam. Hence, there is no point in trying to get people to send you notes by making up half-assed stories about how your notes got stolen/destroyed/eaten. If you really don't have notes, read the damn books that he assigned to us and stop being so lazy.

I think I speak on behalf of all the people who got through the final one way or another without having to beg for notes. Happy holidays guys.

Love,
Sheena


But of course, a bitch that barks is eventually going to get put down.


Dearest Sheena,

Earlier, you wrote an impassioned, well written, and relatively reasonable letter to a number of your classmates. I, unfortunately, am not a reasonable person, and I'm petty. Partly because, like you, I am finished with exams and partly because I'm a little drunk right now, I would like to respond. It may lack the prose and logic of your e-mail, but I assure you that it is written with an equal amount of passion and contempt.

You are understandably upset that your mailbox is being flooded with pleas for help, especially if you are unable to provide the materials that would resolve their problem. You can't give them what they want and, because you are perfect and everyone else is stupid and lazy, you can't sympathize with those those who don't have notes because of health issues, conflicting priorities, or experienced the unfortunate sabotage by Peruvian flute bands. So, with the rational mind of a total bitch, you thought, "Hey! Why don't I tell these people how screwed they are, explain why they're inferior, and then end my tirade with mock sweetness." Well done cunty, you really proved how difficult it is to hit the delete button so you can make room for those e-mails from Japanese business men setting up the time and place for your Christmas Eve bukkake.

I'd like to leave you with a quote from one of my favorite writers. I feel it adequately captures the sentiment of this e-mail, and it is far more inventive than anything I've managed to put into words thus far:

"Eat all the dicks. Open your bitter, miserable mouth and eat all the dicks. Stop using that mouth of yours to whine, and get started on all these dicks you need to be eating. Keep eating dicks, even at night, even on weekends. Intuition will tell you that you’ve had enough dicks, but you will be wrong: You will never have eaten enough dicks. You may say 'I don’t care what you think,' to which I’d respond, 'That’s some tough talk for someone with an acre of dicks in their mouth.'
And even when you meekly protest that they don’t measure dicks in acres, I won’t be able to hear you.
Because of all the dicks."

Happy holidays you jackass, and to the rest of my classmates who showed the moral fortitude to simply ignore the e-mails from people asking for help, rather than berate them, I congratulate you on being a far more decent person than Sheena a.k.a the Nut Gobbler. And if you have typed up your notes and it isn't too much trouble, help out your classmates. You probably don't know them and therefore don't owe them anything, but consider that it's the holiday season and who among us hasn't needed help with an exam in the past? Anyway, have a great winter break everyone who isn't Sheena, I hope you manage to get through your finals okay and that your semester ends well.

Sincerely,
Harry Burnett Reese, [a.k.a. the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup guy]


Sheena 0, "Harry Reese" 1. I believe the term is "pwnd".

-Emoinacloset