I was surprised this morning to see Gloria had sent me a a private message on facebook. A glance at the message preview revealed that this was one of Gloria's notorious rant letters. Excited like a child on Christmas eve, I opened the message and was greeted by a poorly worded, grammatically tragic and outspoken rant. This letter was taken straight out of her middle school notebook. Needless to say, a smile spread across my face when I read it. The letter was filled with so much hypocrisy that I cringed to think of what I could say since I knew about the way Gloria treated Ashley. However, I am going to take the high road this time and let this rant slide, especially since I am better than that and two wrongs do not make a right.
Just kidding.
Gloria's letter:
hi muffinman,
i'm just going to cut right to it.
i'm really sick of how you treat ashley, and you may see it as "playful" and not serious, but in actuality, it's not quite the way you think it is.
if you still haven't gotten the hint that you're such a terrible friend to ashley sometimes, then i guess that she can't do anything cus that's just the way you are: someone who is stupidly violent and likes to call people offensive names. cus, really? you call her "retard," "bitch," and "slut" for fun? and it doesn't always seem so "playful," especially when you call her that stuff for being such a downer or whatever and then you kick or punch her. i don't know what else you do. but, if you were a really decent friend, you'd at least change that bit of your personality for her if you consider her as a good friend of yours. as far as friendship goes for me, i don't call my friends names like that or kick them. and i wouldn't want to befriend anyone who has that same quality that you do.
we both know that ashley's too nice and sometimes a bit of a pushover because she wants to be a good friend. she feels bad more often than she should, and i hate it cus it's usually due to stupid reasons.
ashley doesn't need you to add to her stress. so, i would really appreciate it if you'd grow up and be caring of her. i actually thought that you had somewhat changed over the summer, but i guess i got ahead of myself.
-gloria
My letter:
Hello Gloria,
Since you cut right to it, I am going to beat around the bush a little bit first. So how are you doing Gloria? I have not talked to you in awhile, sad that our first contact come under such circumstances. How are things going with Mike? You two look like such a happy couple and Ashley has told me you are deeply in love with him. Is Davis treating you right? Because I am having a blast down here in San Diego and I hope it is the same for you too.
What a coincidence that you are sick of how I treat Ashley because I am sick of how you treat her too. I do not remember how many times over the summer I went over to her house and heard her say "I think Gloria is mad at me." You may see it as not being a big deal, but the fact is it really stresses Ashley out. She always complained to me over all the petty things that you would get really worked up over like her bad driving on the Socal trip and how she did not invite you to work on a puzzle with her apartment mate. If you still have not gotten the hint, you are being a great friend. The matter of the fact is that Ashley is too nice to stand up for herself and you are helping in keeping it that way. I do not know what else you did over the summer, but whatever it is, it is wrecking Ashley's emotions and for that I give you two thumbs up.
However, what disappoints me and the reason I am writing back is the fact that you are stressing Ashley out at such a low level. Have you not thought about expanding your horizons and wreaking more havoc with her emotions? She is already a pushover for feeling guilty for hurting your increasingly fragile feelings and apologizing for it like it was her fault. If you would just change your personality and shed the faked niceness you would begin to really dominate Ashley. You of course do not have to adopt the same methods that I use. I respect the fact that you stress Ashley out in your own way especially since you have been doing it since at least middle school. The bottom line is that I would really appreciate it if you would grow up and start handing it to Ashley in a more mature way. We both know that Ashley needs this stress to make her a better person, and I am thankful or the fact that you are contributing so much to this effort.
Please keep throwing stones from your glass house
-muffinman
PS: I had way too much fun writing this
