Muffinman says that depressing posts are a part of collective energy of an honest blog, so here goes nothing.
At what point do a certain set of thoughts become your identity? And it doesn't have to be thoughts, it could also include habits. A collection of habits and recurring thoughts feed into a cycle of existence (at least for me).
So when did my thoughts and behaviors lead to the personality and lifestyle that I have today? How did I get here? This is a question I ask myself a lot as I look up at the night sky on a night much like this one.
Somewhere along the line, I let the negative, critical, and perfectionist mentality that fed so much of my earlier success tear apart so much of what I should have kept sacred and fiercely protected. I guess an easy two word expression for that would be "my confidence". Confidence is way over-hyped nowadays, so I'll use something that may border on the spiritual and lend it more weight -- "faith". Turning my critical eye inward from doing well in school to my identity and personality has left me somewhat devastated. I have good and bad days like everybody, but the intensity of my bad days are far from normal in that they are likely to leave me feeling hopeless and seeking isolation from everybody. The problem was from the very beginning that my inner critic was always rewarded when it came to things that warranted a grade; I could focus hard enough to get the desired result, and there seemed to be no downside to this approach other than a few sleepless nights.
When I shifted my focus to more introspective pursuits, the circumstances were not the same. Picking apart who you are, why you do things, and why you can't constantly be the "best" (whatever that means to you or meant to me) in every social situation leads to an insane deconstruction of who you are, and this may eventually (although rather slowly and painfully) lead you to some truth about your identity. Or it could end up wearing you down. I think that is what has happened to me, and I may be more confused about who I am than when I started this journey.
My mind now seems plagued with ridiculous notions, fears, and insecurities about everyday living, and they've only been amplified by my insane, seething quest for some uncovering of who I am supposed to be and what the world should get from my living. I feel trapped by the thoughts I can't seem to shake and run away from.
So, how do I move forward? There are a lot of days when I attempt to answer this question, and I grasp for straws--more things that can sustain my desperate mind. Sincerely though, I have no idea. I think the secret at this point may just be to soldier on and have faith that any newfound positivity wherever it may come from is something that I must absolutely incorporate into the new "self" that I am building in the wake of my self-imposed deconstruction. Basically.. stop thinking so much. And just live?
What a concept.
- Robocop
