It was the first day of my internship, and my 'mentor', who had been assigned to me to ease the process of settling in, had invited me to lunch with a couple of her co-workers. I was incredibly anxious in saying or doing anything, not only because I had to think of the right words to say, but also think, 'Is this appropriate to say at this time,' 'Is this what people would say in an office environment,' and 'What the hell are they talking about?' I was so preoccupied with figuring out what my next grand sentence was going to be that I made the fatal mistake of calling them 'Nuna' and 'Hyung' -- something you would only call someone close to you, never mind a co-worker. I still cringe when I think of this moment.
I'll say it now, for someone who was born in and grew up in the United States, I'm not too bad at Korean. Up until this point however, the only times I've ever had to use Korean have been with close family members or friends so I've only used it in an informal setting. Talking amongst co-workers was something I had never done before, so naturally I felt anxious and overly self-concious about everything I said.
It just goes to show how awkward I can feel when I speak Korean, especially when talking with people I don't know very well. I feel pressured to at least look like I know what I am talking about, which only makes me more self-concious about my speaking abilities. Personally, it's frustrating I can't express myself in the same way I can in English because either I can't nuance what I want to say or I can't formulate the sentence in the first place. In my brain I'm having a fantastic conversation, but my limited vocabulary won't let me have a real conversation in real life. This mental exertion, to me, feels like the equivalent of squeezing Play-Doh through a funnel.
I definitely don't talk as much in Korean as I would in English. I tend to mumble and speak in incomplete sentences in the hopes that the other person will understand what I'm saying and fill in my side of the conversation for me. I also tend to stop listening to the conversation when I can't follow what they are saying and just nod my head as if I understand completely. This usually works until someone suddenly ask me a question and I am caught by surprise. Probably not a good habit.
I'm even afraid of introducing a new topic for the fear that I would have to carry a whole conversation by myself stumbling the whole way through and finally end up in a dead-end. So usually, I just sit awkwardly, listen to the conversation, laugh when everyone else laughs, and respond when I've been addressed. Compared to when I speak English, when I speak Korean I can actually feel myself being less confident.
-Emoinacloset
