My lack of Family Relations: Revisited

To understand this blog post you are going to have to read My Lack of Family Relations

Remember how I said I was going to cut it off with my family and that was that?  Well things just got a whole lot more interesting.

While I was at the doctor's office I was talking with my mom about Shanghai and somehow it turned into an argument.  Something about how I was not taking her advice on connecting with family friends while there and just a whole lot of miscommunication.  Once the argument started, I refused to keep on arguing and instead chose to point out our terrible communication without blaming anyone.  Suddenly the conversation changed to how I felt that there was a widening gap growing between myself and my family.  My mom started tearing up, right when I said that and as the conversation continued and I started telling her about the things that I had written in that blog post, she seemed to get more and more sad.  She blamed me for lack of communication and I agreed, sometimes I am difficult to deal.  These admissions, I believe shocked her a great deal.  When we got back to the car, she started crying.

While in the car, my mom asked me if I thought she should have divorced my dad.  Shocked and dismayed by this question, I quickly told her that I was not going to answer that.  The she told me that if it were not for me and my sister, she probably would gotten divorced.   When we were eating lunch and I mentioned how I thought my dad was more interested in fish than his own children, my mom added "and his wife too."  This was some truly disturbing news because now I realize that my dad is not just disconnected with me and my sister but with my mom too.

I heard from my mom that my sister was heading down the same path that I was.  My mom could feel my sister distancing and isolating herself from the family.  I really do not blame my sister for this, after all I did it and things seem to have gotten worse since I left.  In the lobby of the doctor's office, my mom called my sister to see if she wanted to get lunch with us.  That phone call ended in a heated argument.  Relations between my mom and my sister were visibly strained.

Towards the end of lunch I told my mom that I believed the only way I could experience a sense of family was through in-laws.  To which my mom replied, well why don't you do something about it then.  She suggested that I try connect with my dad, something that she is not even able to do.  My mom also told me to talk to my sister more, which I have started doing since I left for LA (this post is for her benefit and she is the reason why I am up at 3am writing it).  Lastly, my mom suggested I talk to my cousin while I am down in LA because apparently my uncle went bankrupt recently and could not pay my cousin's tuition.  One of my aunts had to send money to keep my cousin in school.  My mom suggested that I help my cousin with financial aid, as he did not seem to understand how it works.  I basically got handed the task of creating the family I never had.

The most surprising part during that afternoon was that for the first time ever, my mom tried to understand me.  When I explained to her how her dismissals of things that were important to me made me not want to talk to her about anything important, she agreed!  My mom told me that she realizes her problem and will try to be more understanding in the future.  I cannot emphasize enough how monumental of a change this is.  The main problem I had with my mom was that she never tried to understand, but now that she has shown a willingness to understand, it changes everything.

However, despite these developments and revelations, I am still deeply skeptical about this mission I have been handed.  I can see myself reaching out to my sister, because I do not want her to go down the same path that I have.  Sometimes, I see my sister as the only family relation that is possible.  As for my parents, the jury is still out over whether or not it is possible to reconnect.  I am 99 percent sure that my dad is a lost cause, I mean if my mom cannot do it, why the hell does she think I can do it?  Though my mom is showing a willingness to change, I cannot help but feel that she lost her chance many years ago.  Connecting with my cousin also seems very unlikely.

In the back of my mind, I keep on thinking that this mission my mom has handed to me is complete bullshit.  Children are supposed to be born into a family, not be forced to create one 20 years later.  I feel angry that my parents have put me in this situation.  It makes me even more angry that my mom told me that since I wanted a family so badly that I should go and connect with these family members myself, as if it was my responsibility to create a sense of family and not hers.  So yes, this whole mission is bullshit because I should have never been in this situation in the first place.  In my mind, it is much easier to just stick to the original plan, just cut and run and find another family to be a part of.  However, there is a part of me that wants to accept this mission despite how unfair and taxing it is.

Right now, I am still trying to decide whether or not this endeavor is worth the effort.

- muffinman