I wrote this into the private blog (yes we have one, and no you cannot read it) on 2/12 so it is pretty old. Since then, I have become pretty apathetic about the whole situation. Just waiting to go to China :]!
Why I am treating Ashley so badly
Before I explain everything, I would just like to point out that Shari is a great listener and really helped me articulate my feelings on this issue. Thank you Shari!
After the whole crying on the phone and coldness on AIM, my treatment of Ashley has really not improved. I have been ignoring all her calls, texts and ims, basically trying to push her out of my life. There is a sense of schadenfreude in knowing that she feels guilty and is hurting from all of this, because she ignored me when I was lonely.
Whenever I told Ashley that I felt alone in San Diego and distant from everyone, she would just laugh at me and tell me that I was being a girl. She never took me seriously and attributed my loneliness to not having enough things to do. When you tell a close friend or a friend you thought was close that you feel alone and basically unloved and she thinks its a joke, it hurts. I felt betrayed, when Ashley told me that what I was telling her was just to get attention and sympathy.
This is why I have been trying to push her away and replace her. I can find other "distractions" as she puts it to keep my loneliness at bay. And if it hurts her, all the better, maybe this way she can catch a glimpse of how I felt.
Forget being a good person.
- muffinman
5 COMMENTS:
aww... sadly, i do that too. if someone tries to bring me down or doesn't take me seriously when i think a situation is serious, i just keep them away until they understand--after i bluntly tell them they treated me like crap and i hate it. did you ever talked to her about her UNseriousness with you? it helps sometimes...
Well, commenting on what you said about China. The atmosphere might change a little and you think friendships and such couldn't get any worse, but you should look at yourself in the mirror and see what is wrong; you might feel lonely when you get to China too, but it's a whole lot of opportunity to relate to people there like your peers and such.
School is what you make it out to be--it's just a lot of sacrifice and effort. I'm glad I only have a few friends that I have and not a whole lot like I did in college and they didn't mean anything to me.
I thought the whole point of a private blog was that no one was supposed to know about it...
-Emoinacloset
China is just going to be my escape. A chance to start over right?
-muffinman
Not really, since you'll have to come back from China eventually. It's only a temporary escape.
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