The last few months have been sort of a stressful blur. I managed to take on 2 volunteer positions, a role in a student organization and of course my real job at the startup. Also, I am taking two classes, which of course I am blowing off, but they do require some effort to pass and as of currently even passing seems to be a problem. Most of the time it has been enjoyable though the stress does get to me periodically.
At its worse the stress manifests itself as an emptiness in my chest. A sense of helplessness takes over and sometimes it even feels like I am struggling for breath. I always find that breath and have been soldiering on with it. Though, I keep questioning how long I can keep it all together.
This is especially true for my job at Wednesdays. Week after week I run all the meals, with very minimal supervision or guidance. It's a roller coaster ride as I nervously watch the number of acceptances climb to the minimum number that is needed for the meal to happen. Tuesday, the day before the lunch, I make the reservations and make sure all the restaurants know what they are supposed to be doing. Wednesday, I pray everything goes smoothly, that everybody has their reservation and no lunch slipped through the cracks. Thursday, I wake up scared of my phone and computer, afraid of the call or email that tells me I messed up big time. A sigh of relief, as Thursday ends and I realize I made it through another week. Friday morning, everything starts building up again as I start prepping for the next week of lunches.
Looking back, I am baffled at how I have not once irreparably screwed up. Looking forward, I wonder how my perfect streak could possibly continue.
Usually, my co-workers are there to give me a sense of security. However, as the weekly conference calls with team have repeatedly fallen through, I have been feeling disconnected from the team. Seems like it's harder to get everybody together for the call when we don't have an office anymore.
Back in San Diego things are not much better. Losing Ashley H. and Sarah has put huge holes in my support network. Kevin is once again completely engrossed in his computer games and refusing most of my attempts to hang out outside the apartment, not that he was much of an emotional support anyway. It's been impossible to get a hold of Ashley L. as she's been preoccupied with school, work and her Christian group. I started the quarter off hanging out with Shari a lot, however, she has since been gobbled up by school work. Also, I have a hard time connecting with her as we live worlds apart.
That leaves me with just Diane, who I see fairly often and is a great friend, but once again, there is just something about her that keeps her from becoming a true rock that I can anchor onto. Recently, there has been An, a girl I used to know back when I worked at the TV station. An has been great fun, as we geek out awesomely together. Almost all of our conversations center around tech and startups! We have the most lively debates and discussions that just makes the time fly by.
However, as much fun as I am having with An, what I am really need is some emotional support. And right now, it feels like I am grasping at straws.
-muffinman
