DGAF

If I had to sum up my last year in college it would be "Don't Give A Fuck" or DGAF for short. I have let friends, grades and inhibitions slip over the course of the year. In fact, the only thing I seem to care about these days is my work. Having a DGAF attitude about everything has set me free in a way that I have never felt before, but on the other has left me more cold and cynical.

The day that I no longer cared about school was probably around the time that I got rejected from the anthropology honors thesis program.  I was accepted the year before but because I was studying in Shanghai, and assured that my acceptance could be deferred till I came back from Shanghai.  While in Shanghai, I excitedly began to think about what I could write my thesis on and during the summer while working at a startup I finally figured it out. I decided I wanted to study entrepreneurialism as it married the theoretical with the practical.  I even began excitedly discussing the topic with people I met.  However, when the school year started and I emailed the anthropology adviser about signing up for the program (the same one who had assured me that I could defer my acceptance) I was told I would have to go through the vetting process again.  A little over a month later I was rejected. I felt absolutely betrayed.

UCSD from then on meant absolutely nothing to me.  I did the absolute bare minimum to pass all my classes, and even pushed the envelope on what I thought the bare minimum was.  The first quarter, I turned in a 6 out of a required 8 page paper, and that was after increasing the margins and font.  Consequently, I received a C- on the paper, which I was ecstatic about because I thought I was going to fail.  I dropped a course 3 weeks in as I did not want to take the midterm because it would be too much work. I skipped all of my classes except for the days that I absolutely had to go and course load for the whole year became what I normally took in one quarter.

As for family and friends, I cared less for them than ever before.  My mentality right now is "do what I want and everyone else be damned," and it is a pretty empowering feeling.  Suddenly, I no longer worry about what others think and this has led me to be more bold and blunt.    However, it is more than "living like you just don't care," I am living like nobody cares about me as well, which opens up a whole new world of risk taking and ruthlessness.  Living like nobody cares led me to burn a few bridges winter quarter because I was feeling that my life was getting stagnant and I needed to be forced to get new friends.  I got my shiny new friends, but there's a detached attitude to it all.  Leading me to admit that this year has left me colder and more cynical than before.

The additional free time I got from neglecting school and a lack of friends has been funneled into a lot of work, at one point in the year I held three jobs. Hands down, this has been the most productive year of college ever.  It has also been my most exciting and unique year in San Diego as I won 2nd place at a local startup event and went to Tijuana for Startup Weekend.  Many hours were spent on my professional blog too, leading to a product that I am quite proud of.

Work has become so much fun that it has frightened me a bit.  I am starting to base all of my self worth in terms of professional achievements.  There has been a clear shift in my desires.  Feelings of loneliness, thoughts of finding a girlfriend and developing meaningful friendships have been replaced.  Now I spend my day dreaming hours on how to attain money, respect and legacy all the while having fun.

Success is what I am pinning all my hopes of happiness on and it scares me to think I could fail.  What the hell am I going to do if I don't achieve it?  How am I going to be happy then?!

-muffinman