My lack of Family Relations

There was definitely a time when I had real connections with my family, but those days are long gone. College was the straw that broke the camel's back and I feel as if I have no connection to the family that has raised and nurtured me, ever since I moved out of the house.

I cannot pinpoint when I started drifting away from my family but I most vividly remember the break down happening in high school. Back then I could not wait to leave for college, because everything my parents were doing was pissing me off. Of course this behavior is not uncommon among teenagers but unlike everyone else, I never grew out of it. Since I left home, I have never wanted to go back, in fact, I dread having to live at home after college. There can be no worse nightmare than living with my parents.

Constant reflection over my lack of family relations has revealed to me explanations why. In high school, my mom never understood me and worse of all she never even seemed to try. Flash forward to today and her understanding of me has not changed. What is frustrating is that she dismisses what I say by pointing out how young and inexperienced I am. Her attempts to guide me in my college years shows me that she is completely out of touch with the times, which makes talking with her all the more frustrating. At times, I find myself getting angry while on the phone due to the irrational things that she tells me to do. Mom really burned her bridges with me during high school with her conservative values, especially on dating. Now I find it exceptionally awkward to talk to her about anything related to the opposite sex. There is a huge wall that prevents me from telling my mom about my own emotions, and her frequent expressions of surprise whenever I reveal complex emotions further reinforces the fact that there is a wall. I believe that my mom still sees me as that simple little boy and has not woken up to the fact that I have grown up.

Dad was never in the picture while I was growing up, he was always away at work or just doing something else that did not include me. He always seemed more interested in fishing than anything I ever did. My most vivid memories of him seem to be about him disciplining me. In addition, he is an exceptionally difficult man making attempts at relations with him extremely difficult and frustrating, especially since I am also very headstrong. When I went back home last weekend, I saw my dad once for dinner and that was it. I did not even say goodbye to him when I left to drive down to SD because he was dropping off my sister to school. Basically, my relationship with my dad can be completely defined by the fact that I go a whole quarter without talking to him at a time, except for the occasional "Can you hand the phone to mom?"

As for my sister, I cannot fault her for our lack of relations. I never really tried to reach out to her and as time went by, we just grew farther apart. Now when I go home, I simply exchange greetings with her and we both go our own separate ways. Apathy is best used to describe my feelings towards my sister.

Extended family relationships are completely non-existent except for one of aunts and my grandmother on my dad's side, but those relations are minimal at best. I do not remember the last time that I talked to any of my cousins. Every time I meet a relative with the exception of the two I mentioned before, there are no words exchanged except for a greeting and a quick update of how old I am and where I go to school. The honest truth is that if any of my other aunts, uncles, cousins or grandparents died, I would not shed a tear.

However, do not get me wrong, I really do want real family ties. Every time I hear about family gatherings and functions that my friends have, I feel jealous. I only wish I could go out and have fun with my cousins, or even just talk to my parents about my life. About a month ago, I made an effort to connect with my mom after I was reminded how quickly and suddenly life can end. That effort has since died out, after the frustrations started piling up. My mom has tried to reconnect to me whenever I come back from college, but I always feel that it is too little too late and that she blew her chance years ago and I resentfully blow off all her attempts.

I dream that one day I will get to experience these family functions that some of my friends enjoy so much. However, I realize that will never happen with my own family and I have come to terms with that, but I still have hope that one day I can marry into a tight knit family.

For now, my only family are my close friends. If it were not for the coffee group, I would never go back to San Jose because there is nothing there for me. As cliche as it sounds, I seriously do not know where I would be without my friends.

-muffinman